But I already forgot everything you said

Posted on 28 Feb 2013 @ 4:47pm by Commander Andreus Kohl

631 words; about a 3 minute read

Andreus Kohl's Personal Log, supplemental entry.

I ended it, Computer, just like I said I would. I said goodbye to Edias.

There was nothing noteworthy about the conversation. I'm not about to save the communication log on a holocrystal and take it with me to my grave. Really though, the conversation isn't even worth commemorating with the post script of a personal log entry. But-- then-- I guess that's why I'm recording this right now. The very banality of our conclusion is worth noting in itself. No. Actually, no, that's not it either. Sometimes things end, and the ending of the thing doesn't accurately reflect the thing itself. That happens sometimes. I'm not bothered by that.

I think I want to record my thoughts-- to help me always remember what it was like to be with Edias. I loved him. I'm sure I loved him. Only-- I can't remember what it felt like to be in love with him. It's ridiculous-- heh-- It's only been days since I parted from him on Vega Colony, but I can't remember what it actually felt like to be in love with him. I don't-- I can't even remember what I liked about him.

I didn't give him much of a chance at first. I didn't want to give him a chance. I knew I was only going to be on Vega Colony for days. I didn't think there was any benefit to starting something if I had to leave. I thought-- well, in the end, I can only listen to my brain for a finite number of hours a day. Eventually, I have to give in and listen to the rest of my whole self. I couldn't refuse his trip to the beach, nor the orchard, nor that bakery for breakfasts near his home. I gave in to Edias.

I remember we had compatible tastes in music. I mean, I can't say I like the music he listens to or plays, but I loved the songs he shared with me. I think I remember his arrogance most of all. An orthodox telepath, he was, from Betazed. He wouldn't speak verbal language; it was beneath him, or so he claimed. I remember his passion for physiotherapy, and our plans to open a recovery clinic of our very own. Oh, and his eating habits? It was usually repulsive to see what he would choose to eat. I don't totally understand how he kept his body fit and healthy eating like that. Probably a Betazoid trait, intrinsic beauty of body and mind. There was-- there was something about his body. It fit well against mine. There was never not enough room in a bed.

So I, uh, so I opened a-- heh-- a communication channel to Edias from my quarters, here aboard USS Venture. He doesn't talk aloud, but I opted for video communication? What was I-- well. His face appeared on my display panel and I stared at him for a while. I just stared at him. I suppose we could have used text to communicate, but without being able to touch him, to smell him, ta-- It felt like a fraud. He was an image on a screen. I would have been better off with pornography. I didn't have anything I felt like saying. I had news to tell him, news about my mission aboard Venture, but it didn't feel so pressing with him staring at me. I had loved him, I don't question that, but I don't love him now. I can hardly remember being the person who had loved him.

I stared at him and I raised an empty palm to the screen and I said, "I'm out".

Computer, end log.

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