Something to Mention

Posted on 31 Aug 2023 @ 12:46pm by Lieutenant JG Sofie Ullswater

375 words; about a 2 minute read

The guilt is all that's left. The nightmare of the Cold Station has left me here and it still feels like a dream. The world is continuing and I don't quite understand it. What's done is done, I've broken the trust of my friends, I've lost the confidence I had and it feels like everything has collapsed, feels like my world has ended so its hard to understand how the world is still moving. It feels like a dream.

How can you live without the trust of the people that you care about? The past can't be forgotten, Mimi will never look at me the same way again. I tried to kill her. Whatever Dr Warraquim says I know that the person who was there doing those things was me. Maybe to the rest of them it seemed like madness but I was acting perfectly rationally every step of the way. That person who led the assault on the brig was me. It was all me. Not the Cold Station, me. Honestly it was the best I'd felt in weeks. Felt like I was going to be the hero, save my friends. Felt like I had taken control of a situation, finally broken out of being scared and I was going to be useful.

I was so wrong.

Now all that I had built up has come tumbling down. I will just keep letting people down, just like I did before. I let down Lamar the most. He trusted me and I led him down the worst path there was.

Yesterday I was working in the isolation labs on the crystalline samples we found. Thankfully they still seem to be inert. I remember there was a moment where I stared at them, couldn't take my mind of the thought that I could be in control again. One "mistake" from me and a filament could escape the isolation, get into the station. The station would be destroyed we would all die. I could have done it, I wanted to. We'd know for sure then if we were still on the cold station...

And if not, at least it would all be over.

Probably something I should mention to the counsellor. Computer, end the recording.

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