Not What I Expected

Posted on 04 Feb 2020 @ 10:00am by Ensign Callin Mastrel
Edited on 04 Feb 2020 @ 10:18am

616 words; about a 3 minute read

"Computer, begin personal log..."

A very, long drawn out sigh can be heard on the recording.

"This would be so much easier if you were telepathic, Computer. Communication might be my specialty, but right now I'm not sure I know all the right words. Or where to begin. Or where to go from here."

This pause was shorter, with a faint and slightly hysterical burst of laughter, cut off almost as soon as it had begun.

"I'm definitely going to need to find a different counselor to talk about this stuff with now, because I will be seeking him out again. That was...No, see, now I'm feeling guilty to be thinking about that right now. And jealous, again. But we're not out of danger yet, and now isn't the time. See? If I could just think all this at you, it'd make a lot more sense."

"Okay, this is what is really getting to me, at least right now. Was this what I signed up for, when I joined Starfleet? I mean, I know, expectations at the Academy aren't going to match up with the real experience out here in deep space. I don't think an attack by Tholians, a mutiny, a top-secret and terrifying technology, and death, was anyone's guess on what their first mission would be like. And there were all those rumors, you know, about the Captain. The trouble she'd been in before."

"I guess what I'm saying is: I'm scared. Not as much by the idea of the Tholians coming back maybe - that's bad enough. Not as much by things I can't put down in a personal log either - that's too big a thing for me to wrap my brain around still. I'm not even scared that I might be someone's surrogate for a dead friend - and that shows I'm reading too much into things already."

"I'm scared that maybe Starfleet isn't what I thought it would be, and that I've been under an illusion of my own making all this time. I can still close my eyes and remember all those aliens in uniform, beaming down in their hundreds and thousands to set us free from other aliens that had conquered my home. They were so bright, their colors, their minds, their smiles, as they helped us. I wish I could share this memory with the log too like I could share it with my kind, and how that made us feel, how that made me feel as a kid when Starfleet came to save us. I was so proud when I graduated, when I finally I got this post to serve on the Galileo, and now...I don't know."

"I think this is my fault, not realizing that for all their bravery, for all the help they gave, my heroes were just as flawed and fallible as the rest of the galaxy. The thoughts, the emotions, that moment on the bridge when Captain Saalm and the others turned on each other, I can't forget what I sensed, and that scared me more than any Tholians trying to atomize us. But...maybe this is a good thing, to put aside a child's dream, to know that Starfleet isn't perfect, to maybe stop trying to be perfect myself. Right?"

"Yeeeeah, I need to meet a new counselor. Later though. We have to figure out what to do with...what is going on out here, and this is too big to worry about everything else. I got a meeting soon and I still can barely begin to comprehend the science behind all this. Time to cram. Computer, end log."

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