Icarus

Posted on 28 Oct 2012 @ 8:18pm by Commander Andreus Kohl
Edited on 28 Oct 2012 @ 8:48pm

542 words; about a 3 minute read

Circa MD 03

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Andreus Kohl's Personal Log, supplemental entry

It happened already. And I missed it.

My father, Elbon, died the day I came aboard Galileo. There was the accident, and my mother contacted me, and I think that was the first time she made an effort to speak with me all year. She went ahead with the funeral services. And I missed it. I hear she tried her best to respect my father's Gallamite customs but Riordan says she got it all wrong. And I missed it. Galileo was hiding in the nebula from those renegade Klingons when the funeral happened. My mother assumed I was incommunicado because I didn't want anything to do with it. With her. And I missed it. I've had to find my own ways to pay my respects.

I've been crying and sweating the pain out. I've been dancing for him the way she showed me. My birth mother, I mean. In all my medical studies, I haven't been able to find any evidence to explain why tears and sweat would bring catharsis in Argelians, but they help. They've always brought relief from sorrow. I thought the pain should kill me, but it doesn't hurt that bad, and that recognition makes it hurt worse. Here was my very first role model, my only role model, the closest thing I have to a father, and he's gone now. That should be horrifying to me, losing that, but I suppose it's natural in its own way. I don't know.

I don't know what to do with myself now. When I received the transfer orders to Galileo, I thought this would be a nice place to live. A science ship. It would be stable and it would be safe. I thought I could meet somebody nice. Somebody challenging, but nice, and I thought I could get married. I didn't-- I thought I didn't have to worry about my career. My career was becoming something to fill my day, to keep me from getting bored, but it wasn't something that was supposed to need much attention. After my improprieties with the Caldonians, after that child died on Berengaria, after the awful way I treated Lieutenant Commander Bedard-- Well, I thought I was a career Ensign. I was making peace with that. I was coming so close to making peace with that. If I got married, if I had four kids, well, being a Nurse in Sickbay would be enough. It would be more than enough, heh, maybe even too much.

But, I'm not.

I'm not a Nurse. My training, my medical license, is as a Nurse Practitioner, but I've been promoted to Assistant Chief Medical Officer. I've been trusted with a leadership role. I mean, it's a development role. I have so much to learn before they give me any serious responsibility, but it's a leadership role nonetheless. It's what I wanted. What I mean is -- it's what I used to want. But if I'm learning a new role and I'm providing leadership to a team, am I still going to have time to become a father? Am I still going to want to?



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