Identity

Posted on 31 Jan 2019 @ 3:47pm by Nesh Saalm

511 words; about a 3 minute read

My name is Nesh Saalm.

I am the younger sister of Lirha Saalm and Livana Saalm. My mother is Aila Saalm. My father is dead.

That is some of what I am. I am Orion. But that is not who I am.

I mean, that is the real question here right? Who am I? What I am is a sister, a daughter, an Orion. I once was part of Starfleet. Not anymore. I suppose that as a person I change. And being able to change I should be able to live without regret, without remorse...but I can't.

There is regret. Remorse. Mixed feelings.

So what am I right this moment? I know it doesn't answer who I am, but...what am I right now?

Stowaway. A prisoner? An artist. A disappointment.

Hm. Maybe not always. I have disappointed my mother, Lirha, Livana. But I had to see Lirha's eyes when I disappointed her. My mother I can ignore for now, a nagging of a scolding waiting to happen whenever we return. In the years. An artist...I want to be. I paint. I live for my painting and sketches. I breathe for it. It is the only moment I feel free. But I have a long way to go there with my art, I recognise it. I am not yet failing, but I am not yet blossoming.

A prisoner? No. Lirha works me here. But I am not a prisoner, or if it is a prison it is a prison I chose for myself. One that I walked into gladly with the alternative. Still walk in gladly.

Stowaway. Yes, I am that. No escaping that stain on me, knowing I hid...that I managed to get myself here. A part of me is impressed with myself for doing it, the other ashamed. But marriage being the alternative, I did what I had to do. I still believe I needed to do something.

But was this the right choice?

Maybe it wasn't the right decision but it has been done. It has been done and there is no going back.

So with these things that I have done, who am I? I heard someone say that you are shaped by your actions. Your identity is tied into your memories. Your memories make up part of who you are, your experiences. But it is what you do, your actions, that truly creates who you are.

So. My actions. I can't change the past. And tomorrow only owes me the sum of my yesterdays (yes, I read that somewhere. It's not something I made up). So...I got to do something to find out who I am. Or who I want to be. I need to...be honest. Step out of Lirha's shadow but also step out of this persona I have made myself for awhile. Maybe drop the piercings. Maybe start living as who I want to be rather than who I want other people to think I am.

Yes. Maybe that is the way to get my identity back.

RSS Feed