I’m lost and the shadows keep on changing

Posted on 23 Oct 2017 @ 11:32pm by Lieutenant Lake ir-Llantrisant
Edited on 23 Oct 2017 @ 11:32pm

777 words; about a 4 minute read

Timeline: Season 3, Episode 5 “Emanation”, circa MD 70


[ON]

Lake ir-Llantrisant’s Personal Log, Supplemental Entry:

I opened my eyes.

In the dark, I thought I might be waking up at home. The mental fog that trails after sleep caused me to lose my bearings. On this night, I had forgotten how far away I was from Starbase Seventy-Four. Far from my crew; far from my life. Kellin long behind me; Andy gone too. It wasn’t starlight coming in through a viewport beside my bed… The soft glow seeping in between the curtains came from San Franciscan street lamps. That light pollution was keeping any starlight away from me. A Human author once wrote: We only see starlight because all the stars are bleeding.

In a heartbeat, I came to recognize my surroundings. This was the Italianate row house I had rented for my shore leave on Earth. The bed was new but the house was old. The owner had told me it had been built in the 1800s originally. Given the house’s providence, I thought a pipe was dripping. The sound was unmistakable. Droplets of water were falling to the hardwood. I lifted my head to look for the source, but— no. I didn’t. I didn’t lift my head. My neck wouldn’t move.

My neck wouldn’t move, but my eyes were open. My eyes were open to the humanoid figure sitting on the ottoman at the foot of my bed. Even in the dim light, I could recognize the figure as Pakled. Studying his face, I could see elongated skin folds around his eyes, and his eyebrows were vertical strips, like exclamation points for his eyes. There was no excitement in his face I could see. He was sat there, expressionless and soaked through. He was dripping with water; dripping on the floor and the ottoman and my bed.

“I think I’m lost,” the Pakled said. His voice was like brown butter. I believe his name was Ofred. “Far from home.”

I wanted to recoil from Ofred; I yearned to, I burned to recoil, but my body betrayed me. I continued to lay flat on my back, paralyzed from any motion. I couldn’t run away, my body wouldn’t respond; I couldn’t even ask Ofred why he was here. Where could he have been going to have ended up lost here? Why right here? Why won’t he go?

Ofred spoke again. “I want to go. Can you take me home?” he asked. It felt very much as if he heard me, somehow. It felt like he heard my thoughts.

I had no voice to give him. Not only has my voice caught in my throat, I couldn’t even exhale. There was a heavy pressure on my chest. I felt breathless. I think I know what this is? I think I’ve studied this medical condition? I’m trying not to think about it. Trying not to think about myself. In favour of that thought, there was a great soggy focus for my attention at the foot of my bed. Where have you come from, I wonder about Ofred. Where are you from?

For the first time, Ofred moved. He turned his head to look at me. To look right at me. “You ask too many questions,” Ofred said.

I wanted to ask him: what? What does that even mean? How many questions is too many questions? What even makes a question a problem? I want to run for the door, but I can’t even clock the door. I still can’t turn my head.

As if he knew my every thought, Ofred said, “I asked questions too.” When he said that, his eyelids began to droop. I wasn’t sure if he was falling asleep or losing himself in thought. His mouth opened, but he didn’t say anything more. Ofred’s chin dropped to his chest. He breathed in and he breathed out, and he said, “I wanted to be smart.”

I thought about how much I wanted him to let me go. How much I wanted him to release me from this conversation, release me from this gravity well. I wanted him to go —go home— and to let me go too.

“You want. You want to know?” Ofred said. “I want to trade. I want to trade places. With you.”

...I opened my eyes again.


[OFF]


Quote is from The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall

Happy Halloween!

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