Broken

Posted on 09 Mar 2016 @ 2:54am by Lieutenant Benice Gyce Ph.D. & Lieutenant JG Drusilla McCarthy
Edited on on 14 Mar 2016 @ 3:11am

4,798 words; about a 24 minute read

Mission: Episode 10 - Symposium
Location: USS Galileo - Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD89 - 1345 Hours

[ON]

The drug therapy Allyndra had placed Gyce on had been working. After six hours, the once-daily pill began to slowly wear off and by the eighth hour Gyce found her cane was needed.

However, it was not entirely the drug's wearing off that caused her much pain. A good portion of Gyce's agony was due to pushing herself beyond her limits. Distracting herself as it were, from thinking about the way in which she broke it off with Lirha.

She loathed herself. Felt what she did was beyond dishonorable, yet she was still angry with Lirha. So much so, she very nearly blew her right knee out during the early morning workout. Luckily it was just a severely sprained muscle, but kosst it hurt like the pain of standing over a Pah-wraith Fire Cave's heat vent.

Her goal over shore leave had been to reverse the muscle atrophy caused from a few decades of poor rehab and heavy emphasis on her upper body strength training. Gyce was obstinate, though, about this injury. She did not want to admit or show anyone that anything was wrong.

Try as she might to deny it, by lunch time the pain got so bad, Gyce was forced to see that she needed someone to talk to. Trouble was, it took all her energy just to limp very agonizingly to Drucilla's office - against her instincts. Dru was a nice person, but Gyce just did not like being analysed while being forced to tell her life's story. Counselor's were good at mind games - just as she was.

Just grit your teeth and get it over with, Gyce told herself before she popped one of her emergency opiate pills in her mouth. Then she hit the chime on Dru's door and took several calming breaths in an effort to mask her physical pain.

Leaning back in her chair, Dru's eyes were closed as her fingers stroked a soothing motion across her abdomen. Around the room echoed a female voice, it's tone high pitched to match the vocals of the mezzo-soprano singer.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Just as the song begun it's climb, the increased tempo causing the walls to almost vibrate.

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know tha...

With the words cut off mid song, Dru's eyes opened in confusion as she looked around to try see if there was a reason as to why her music had stopped. She hadn't requested it...had she...?

As confusion seeped into the counselor's mind, the chime of her door echoed once again; bringing the woman around to realising that someone was trying to get her attention. "Ah...sorry...Enter?"

Gyce walked in. The first time in over a month, with her cane. The limp noticeably worse than the past times she used her cane. Her face twitched with each step but the intense brown eyes remained defiant.

"I did not mean to intrude," Gyce began apologetically. She willed herself to stay focused on her visit, after all. "You wanted a follow up of some sort. And I thought now was good."

Dru couldn't hide her surprise at the woman's visit, she'd had the impression on their last meeting that perhaps the security officer didn't like counselling all that well. The excuses since when the counsellor tried to followup seemed to support this thought.

But...here Gyce was...in the flesh and on a voluntary basis. "Benice, please take a seat. Is everything ok?"

"No..." Gyce swallowed hard to fight her softer emotions. When she sat down, there was some relief on her face. But not much. And the agony seeped through her voice as she explained, "...I broke up with my girlfriend."

Dru had watched the woman's process across the room and noted the physical discomfort which she seemed to be in, the words surprised her though all of the same...it seemed that the discomfort was also psychological. "Did she hit you?" The question was blunt, but the counsellor wasn't certain how else to ask it given Gyce's appearance.

"No..." That question sent a new level of guilt as Gyce thought about her last night with Lirha. "She begged me to be extremely rough on her... Mutual... She said loved me, an' I her... but it wasn't love... She..."

Gyce's eyes would not stop watering. She felt used and dirty, and she did not know if she still loved Lirha, or wanted to hate her. The anguish and confusion from such predicament was clear on her face.

Dru wasn't used to seeing Gyce like this. The woman was normally well put together and reserved, even in the last session she hadn't willingly portrayed her emotions to the counselor.

Grabbing the box of tissues, Dru moved around to grab one of the other chairs in the room, dragging it to the side of the officer's own chair as she held out the box. "Take your time Benice, just take slow even breaths. In...and out."

Gyce grew very quiet in her thoughts as she wiped her eyes. She sniffed back a runny nose several times and attempted to breath as requested. When Gyce did continue, it was with distant eyes - looking back on painful memories.

"She used me... Begged me to do things to her I would never do... And one night, when we got back from the Mirror Universe... she begged and pleaded for me to beat her," Gyce spoke with hints of anger seeping through her voice. "Twas only then she said she loved me."

Dru found herself confused, trying to piece a storyline together but she didn't wish to rush the woman. It was evident that whatever had happened, truly had had a bad effect. "Did this start before the mirror universe or while we were there?"

"Before..." Gyce took a tissue and wiped her eyes. "We got together after the Klingon party - during the wargames... I got food poisoning from the gagh... she insisted I come to her ship - less questions asked."

Dru was starting to understand a little more...the impression Gyce was giving was that the other woman was very much in charge, dictating and leading in what they would do. "So that was...nearly four months ago? In all of that time was she this forceful towards you?"

Gyce's guilt halted long enough to think about that question... Lirha had been rather crafty to get Gyce in the sack, their first time. Why Gyce had not seen that before, she did not know.

"I would of done almost anything," Gyce admitted fairly shamefully. "...She used me. Wasn't love, on her end. Tricked me into hurting her so she could get her release - Then tells me she's pregnant."

The nausea from that statement alone caused Gyce to put her hands over her mouth.

Seeing the woman's reaction, Dru's hand grabbed a handful of tissues as she pushed them towards the woman's mouth. "It's ok...just breath...you are in a safe place here I promise Benice."

Those intense brown eyes grew angry, but not at Dru - herself. Gyce took a few breaths and with self-loathing, explained, "She didn't care that I felt guilty or used - nor that I was concerned about her unborn twins' health more than she was... Kosst! She refused to see a doctor to see if they were fine."

"Gyce...can you tell me what happened to give you reason to think that the unborn children might be harmed?" Dru's hand moved to gently rub the woman's back, she knew the question was loaded but if innocents were at risk, she needed to know.

"Lirha insisted I... I please her roughly - Like extreme," Gyce spoke with tears eyes. "...Punched her, more or less... Inside."

There was an uncomfortable shift there. Telling in exact detail might not be smart. And Gyce feared she might of revealed herself a monster.

It took absolutely everything that she had not to react when she heard the name Lirha. To react would have scared the Bajoran away and undone the trust she'd shown in confiding so much. Instead the counselor forced herself to breath, as she earlier told Benice, and moved onwards.

"Gyce...without being there, without knowing the actions I can only tell you this. A woman's body can take a lot when pregnant, a hell of a lot, and the babies are locked behind an almost impenetrable barrier formed by the cervix. You'd not only need to be vicious to do damage, you'd need to reach up far. Rough sex isn't encouraged during pregnancy, but nor is there a ban on it. Is it possible Lirha already knew this before asking of you what she did?"

"Possibly..." Gyce took a few more breaths before she looked upon Dru. The counselor's comforting touch made her feel oddly safe. "...But I still had a right to know, given one harsh punch might very well hurt the babies. And because she tossed aside how I felt about her deception, it became clear she only wanted me as a bed warmer."

Dru's eyes met Gyce as she kept the woman's gaze, her hand still gently stroking the Bajorian's back as she tried to settle the woman. "Did you talk to Lirha about this? About how you feel?"

"She didn't care," Gyce continued to cry and relaxed her back into Dru's arm. "And worse... I didn't trust the tricorder because of what I did. So I asked Allyndra to look at Lirha - because Lirha, sure as the Fire Caves burn, refused to be looked at..."

Gyce took a moment to catch her breath and wipe her eyes. "...She made me look the bad guy because I betrayed her trust and only wanted sex after I tried to apologize for being overprotective - because I love her."

Dru moved her arm around the woman so as she leaned into the counsellor's side...none of this was surprising her in the least. Lirha hadn't changed much since they'd been a couple back in her early days on the ship...even back then Dru remembered not even being certain that the lesbian life style was for her but for Lirha...she tried everything she could.

Taking more tissues, the counsellor wiped at Gyce's tears stained face as she smiled a very gentle smile. "It takes two to love Gyce...you equally give and equally take. Perhaps that moment wasn't right for Lirha to listen to you but she should have come back to you to talk it over more....When did this happen?"

"Before we docked with 84," Gyce sighed, and found herself hugging Dru.

It did not matter at this point that Gyce disagreed with counselor tactics. Her friend Stace was gone. Lirha was in the wind on Risa. She had no real friend to cling to. Thus Gyce found herself making one out of necessity in Dru.

"I hate her..." Gyce spoke with a shaky exhale. "And I love her... and I hate myself for breaking it off with her via subspace mail."

Dru pulled back a little but left her hand against the woman's back as a means of both support and comfort. "And since we docked with eighty four and since you sent the subspace mail, have you heard from Lirha? Isn't she back for the symposium?"

"No... I've kept my distance," Gyce admitted with a small hint of anger in her voice. "I probably hurt her with how I broke it off, because I still am angry with her disrespect of my feelings..."

Dru thought the words but didn't vocalise them, that too much damage had possibly been done. Instead of keeping her head up high and staying confident in herself, Gyce had instead let her emotions and heart rule. "Do you regret ending things?"

"No... I just hate how," Gyce sighed and indicated her right knee. "Pulled a muscle because I was in denial of my anger and agony over all this... Cause I was afraid to be hurt again."

Dru looked in concern at the woman's knee before momentarily moving back to her desk to grab a tricorder from her med-kit. "Sometimes it is better to come see a professional instead of trying to take things into your own hands. What were you doing when you pulled the muscle?"

"Allyndra told me to work on my rehab, to strengthen my leg up," Gyce explained with semi-glassy eyes now. The painkillers were starting to kick in. "...We're trying an anti-depressant that does something fancy with neurotransmitters to calm the nerve endings in my thigh."

As she interrupted the readout on the tricorder, Dru admitted that she only had basic medical training but enough to interpret the readout. "It looks like your...gluteus muscle on the front of your knee has been strained and there's micro tears in the tissue...your rehab should have been gentle exercise to build you up...it takes more than that to cause this damage."

"I thought putting all in my work and rehab would suffice - has in the past," Gyce spoke with frustration. More with herself. "...Been doing fine without the cane until today... Guess I really did a number."

Tapping some controls on the tricorder, Dru sent the results to the woman's sickbay file before placing it back to one side. "Pushing yourself beyond your limitations won't reverse anything you've done nor change anything that has happened....You need to look after yourself Gyce."

"I'll try to do better," Gyce promised between sniffles. "It's why I came here, I guess... I don't want to act stupid anymore."

Although her knees were beginning to cramp, Dru just lowered herself so as she was kneeling on the floor instead of hoovering above it. "I'm afraid that I must give a disclaimer...I can't fix problems, all I do is help you to help yourself to fix them. Do you think that you are up for the challenge?"

"I am," Gyce spoke, then exhaled a few times. It felt good to share, but also hurt to relive it again. "I know I've been socially distant with most... and I'm sorry for that."

Satisfying herself that Gyce seemed in better control of herself then when she entered the room, Dru moved back to her feet as she took a few moments to work the stiffness from her joints from having crouched so long. "Why do you think that it was easier for Lirha to get in closer to you given the distance you typically try to keep with most?"

"The setting? The fact I was ill and she was the only one to take notice?" Gyce shrugged, for she herself had no idea. "All I know is that she was kind to me, and that meant something."

"Perhaps you need to allow others to show you the same? There's nothing wrong with being guarded and careful but there's many a people around whom I'm sure would have no issue with wanting to get to know you better?" Dru sat back into her own chair as she winced a little at a twinge in her side. "There's a side to you now that you've been open to...why not explore it more?"

"Are you all right?" Gyce asked with concern. That was a wince no one could miss, and caused Gyce to start analyzing the situation.

Confusion filled Dru's eyes as she heard the question, she wasn't quite sure what exactly it was that prompted it. "Am I all right? Last time I checked...are you trying to avoid my questions?" The last part was said in a gentle jest as the smile which accompanied it showed this.

"Oh yeah," Gyce laughed gently in return. "I'm glad I stopped by, truly... In some ways I still feel like I've been kicked in the stomach twelve times, but in others, it felt good to talk about it."

"I tried to tell you before...often it's ok to talk to someone, especially when we can offer you a safe environment in which to be able to. Anything you say in here, stays in here...unless we feel your a danger to yourself or others." Dru shifted awkwardly in her chair before she was able to settle, still smiling easily at the other woman. "You now know that we don't bite."

"I will try to come more often then," Gyce promised.

"I don't want to rush you but also I don't want to overwhelm you...is there anything more you wanted to talk about or maybe things we've already talked about that you want to go back on?" Dru replied.

"Those insecurities are gone now," Gyce laughed at the memory. "My department appears to accept me and the command staff no longer see me as a greenhorn."

"So you've already made steps towards properly integrating and socialising with people. Remember you wouldn't have been promoted to a Chief unless command and the crew had the confidence in you to be able to do it." Dru smiled.

"Agreed," Gyce nodded. "In time I hope most people will realize I am a fair and just person as well... I know this case with the Oathbreaker nerked a few people in the crew."

Dru winced as the woman brought up the case which was a tender point between them both. "He has a name you do know. No matter what's happened, judgement has been cased and he, like you, deserves a chance."

Gyce was about to voice her opinion on the outcome, but stopped herself. So long as Tuula's loins burned, she doubted any man could resist that woman's allure.

"I apologize... I guess the captain and I are just annoyed because this wasn't a case either of us wanted on our belts," Gyce half-frowned.

Dru had to smile at this. Holiday didn't like impropriety full stop on his ship; he could handle it when it happened behind closed doors and out of his sight but what had happened between Tuula and Jynn had escalated...she could only imagine the impact on Holiday's blood pressure.

"What was done was done and Jynn was found not to have been malicious in his actions. For the sake of the crew, both yourself and Holiday will also need to learn to move on as he is still onboard and one of us."

"Jynn is a good man... confused a bit, but a good man." Gyce grew quiet. She was not entirely sure what she should talk about now. Was Dru a friend? Or just someone that could help her?

Dru said nothing as she allowed the silence to settle between them both. She could see that Gyce's mind what ticking over and over but she wasn't sure what the thoughts were composed of. "What is going through your mind right now?"

"Just trying to figure out what your relation is to me," Gyce answered in psychological terms.

"My relation?" Dru looked at the other woman in surprise as she tried to process the question. "Well...I guess that is solely down to how you perceive me. To some I'm a counsellor, a neutral person with whom they can talk things over with. To use me as a sounding board while they try to work through everything going through their minds. To others I'm a friend...a person who can be trusted with secrets and trusted to help in anyway that she can."

"My first friend in Starfleet was a Vulcan named Avok," Gyce explain with a wry grin. "I suppose that's not the most logical choice, for an emotional species such as mine."

"I wouldn't say that now. Sometimes those full of emotions gravitate towards those who aren't, it's kind of like a yin and yang situation that you balance yourselves out...helps with feeling in control. Are you still in contact with Avok?" Dru smiled.

"Oh yeah," Gyce smiled more to herself with his memory. "He's the new SCIS director, actually. A widower, poor thing."

"Have you thought about talking to him about all that has happened? If he's known you for so long, he might also be able to help you sort through everything going through your head?" Dru replied.

"He understands some things," Gyce laughed in memory. "He never liked how I would debase my femininity for a case, if it meant progressing it further... He was not one of the kolinahr, nor was he a v'tosh ka'tur. But even so, he would tell me I allowed a moment of weakness to ignore something I would normally spot in a person like Lirha. He would say I should have known better than to bed someone who knows nothing of relationships."

"Sounds like your typical Vulcan so." Dru leaned forward in her seat as she studied the woman closely, "But you know not to listen to that...none of this is your fault."

"Yes... and no," Gyce smiled. "I'd not of been as good at my job if not for his tutelage... And he would not be alive today, if not for my help. So in some ways, we complete each other in ways not typical friendships do."

"There was never anything more between you both?" Dru asked, curious given the woman's description of their relations.

"He was my partner for eight years," Gyce smiled with many fun memories. "We spent more time in a day together than most other friends and family do, because of what out job was. So in a way, he could read me as good as any soulmate. But was he a mate to me? No."

Having known Gyce had been with Lirha, Dru wasn't certain of the woman's sexual orientation but worked on the bases of it being bi. "Did you or him ever talk about having something more?"

"On no," Gyce answered truthfully. "We've always known where we stood with each other... Why the sudden curiosity about my friendships?"

"Just the man that you talked about Avok. You've always given the perception that you are closed off from people, careful to whom you open up to. From the details you've given to me, it seems to indicate that perhaps at one point in your life you weren't as closed off as you are now." Dru gestured with her hands as she explained, she was trying to understand a full picture of Gyce better.

"Before coming here... I had to arrest my former boss," Gyce confessed with mixed emotion. "Charges of treason, illegal arms sells, and corruption... Someone I normally would have saw for what he was, had I let the job come first, instead of investing myself with friendships."

Dru had to hold herself back from reaching out to the woman again...her heart broke. No matter about friendships or anything more, the relationship alone you have with a boss is a close bond...you trust them to guide and lead you...not to steer you wrong. "Gyce...I don't know what to say. You can't blame yourself...someone that wrapped up in corruption would be an expert at pulling the wool over people's eyes."

"He picked me to fill the missing investigator slot, because of my disability..." Gyce grew quiet for a long time. Into her thoughts with teary brown eyes. When she spoke, it was as if mourning someone lost to her. "When I arrested and interrogated him, I knew he would try and play on that. But the lie detectors behind the two-way don't fault... He chose me and gave me to Avok, because he too was not as whole. Avok lost his wife and former SCIS partner, so our boss believed us to be broken, easily distracted people. Said he put Avok and I on details and assignments where we were less likely to see what he was doing."

"All typical behaviour for a criminal who's got a lot to lose. It seems to me that you both bettered him despite how he viewed you both?" Leaning forward, Dru crossed her arms on the top of the desk once again. "He, unaware, orchestrated his own downfall by under estimating you both."

"You'd make a good investigator," Gyce smiled when she listened to Dru's assessment. "How do I converse with this ship? In SCIS, we were all focused, and off-duty, laid back. But nothing like this ship."

Dru laughed a little at this as she shrugged her shoulders at the woman's first statement. "How do you find people on this ship to be?"

"I think most are so sex-craved they don't know the difference between lust and love," Gyce answered after she took a moment to think. "On a little ship, with little to do, it's not hard to fall into that pit. But for someone like me that seeks more than just sex in relationship, it is proving hard to take many seriously."

Dru looked down at her hands as she thought of herself and Markum. She'd never had those issues...he'd always been there to shield her from the worst of it. "As cliched as it sounds...there's somebody out there for everyone. You just need to never give up looking."

"I'll try... doesn't help I'm almost a full generation ahead than most of theses people," Gyce half-smiled. Youth had impulsiveness and care-free behavior that could actually be a good thing - If Gyce could allow herself to be impulsive once in a while.

"There's a few people around who would be closer in age to yourself or even old. Our Chief of Boat, Markum is one. Captain Holiday? Lamar in flight.....Those are some who immediately pop into my mind." Dru smiled.

"I think it's clear the COB fancies you though," Gyce smiled knowingly. "You should hang on to him as long as you can... Romantics like him are rare to come by."

Dru felt her cheeks grow red as a flush spread across them. She'd forgotten that pretty much everyone now knew about her and Markum after his stunt during the symposium. "Well I guess we are one such example of how a relationship can be built on something beyond sex."

"I think anyone that could break through Holliday's shell, deserves a medal," Gyce smiled with glee. "That man... I've been aboard over six months and he still appears uninterested in anyone."

Dru found herself laughing at the woman's description of Jonathan, a man she considered as close to being a friend as he allowed people to be. "Holiday is...tough. He's got a hard shell that he doesn't like to soften but it makes him a good person and a good friend."

"I may try to get to know him... Not sure if he'll let me. He may think I'm trying to hit on him," Gyce half-smiled at that. "Doctor Mott intrigues me, in so far as any enigmas go... Good at his job, but lives on a completely different universe than we do."

"I'm not sure that Jonathan would appreciate being hit on at all. But I do know, a few more friends never did anyone any harm, including him." Dru laughed as she spoke about Holiday. Mott though caused a different reaction, "Just be careful with Doctor Mott. Try not to take things he says to heart, especially where they may seem like insults."

"I'll try to make a better effort then" Gyce promised. She felt their conversation was at an end for now. Her heart ached less and she visibly looked much happier as less broody than her norm.

Picking up on the woman's wish to end things there, Dru pulled a PADD over as she typed out a command. "Would you like to schedule in another time to come see me again?"

"I don't see myself as someone that needs professional help on a regular interval," Gyce answered honestly, yet pragmatic as she stood up to leave. "That said, I also know when I can't handle things on my own. So I will make an effort to see you before I do something worse than what happened with my knee."

Glassy eyes from the opiates in her system, Gyce gave Dru one last smile before she limped out of the office.

[OFF]

---

Lieutenant JG Drusilla McCarthy
Chief Counselor
USS Galileo

Lieutenant Benice Gyce
Chief of Security
USS Galileo

 

RSS Feed