Confronting her demons

Posted on 19 Jan 2016 @ 1:30am by Lieutenant Tuula Voutilainen M.D. & Ensign Jaana Voutilainen

919 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Episode 10 - Symposium
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3 - Sickbay
Timeline: MD06, 1745 hrs

[ON]

Inside their quarters, Tuula patiently sat at the kitchen table, sipping a coffee and petting her pet tribble, waiting for Jaana to return home. With all the casualties at the hands of the Terrans, Tuula had more than enough work in sickbay to keep her occupied all the time. With her oddball hours, this was the first chance that she had to really have a conversation with her sister about the disturbing revelation which had been at the back of her mind all week.

As she heard the door swoosh open, Tuula looked up from Gilbert and into her sister’s eyes. “Jaana,” she said, the concern audible in her voice, as the door closed behind her, “we need to talk.”

Jaana froze and stared back at her sister. She was dreading this moment; the moment where she would have to face her sister and face her fears and insecurities. “About what,” she asked, heading for the chair across from the table.

“You know,” replied Tuula, trying to hold back tears as her sister sat across from her. “What you do with your food. I’ve read your medical file; this isn’t a one-off incident.”

Jaana held her head in her hands and sobbed; she couldn’t bear to look at her sister and hear her talk about her habit. She felt so disgusting, so unclean in the moment.

Reaching across the table, Tuula placed a hand on her sister’s arm. “Jaana, how long has this been going on?” she asked.

Jaana sighed. There was no point in lying to Tuula. She had known her too long and had access to her medical records. Knowing what to look for, she was sure that Tuula could find a pattern. “Since high school,” she said, not removing the hands from her face. “People would bully me all the time, and this is how I dealt with it?”

“I’m so sorry,” replied Tuula, stroking Jaana’s arm. With Jaana like this, it was like their whole world was crashing down around them. “Why didn’t you tell someone?”

“Tell them what?” shot back Jaana in an indignant tone. “That I’m a fat, disgusting slob who binge-eats and throws up after my meals?”

Tuula was taken aback by Jaana’s response. “Don’t talk like that!” she exclaimed.

“Why not? It’s true…” By now, Jaana was sobbing almost inconsolably. “I’ve tried to hide it for so long. Trying to run from the truth. But I can’t, not anymore!”

Seeing her sister like this almost drove Tuula to tears as she pushed her chair up alongside Jaana’s. “Jaana,” she said, putting her arm around her sister, “That’s not true at all. You’re so beautiful, and smart, and talented. You just have to believe in yourself again.”

“Yeah, right.” Jaana just shook her head and cried, not sure if she believed what her sister was saying. For so many years, her mind was filled with so many negative thoughts that it was hard to even conceptualize herself as something other than a failure. After a few moments of sobbing, she finally lifted her head and looked up at her sister, who hadn’t taken her arm off of her this whole time.

“The food doesn’t judge me,” she whispered.

“What’s that?” asked Tuula, not sure she heard her straight.

“The food. It doesn’t judge me.” Jaana sighed heavily. “It all started in high school. I was bullied a lot. I know you tried to stand up for me and get back at some of them, but it never helped. They would constantly torment me, calling me all kinds of terrible things. Fat, dumb, ugly…” Jaana wiped away a tear. “So when I was stressed, I would eat. Just stuff my face. And then to avoid putting on weight…” Jaana trailed off, unable to continue.

Hearing her sister say this, Tuula nearly broke down crying. The only thing that prevented her from doing so was her efforts to stay strong for her sister. “Jaana,” she said, quietly, “I know this isn’t the real you. You have the strength to overcome this… I saw the security logs of how you confronted your mirror counterpart.” Tuula paused for a moment, not sure how to switch between doctor and . “I’ve been doing some research. I found a clinic in San Francisco that specializes in eating disorders. You can stay there as long as you need – weeks, months, whatever. And it’s right near the Academy so you can work on your research.” Tuula took a deep breath and placed a PADD in front of Jaana. “They’re the best. I know they can help you overcome this...”

Scrolling through the PADD, Jaana was ashamed. Ashamed that she needed to be put up in some clinic for weeks on end to deal with her disgusting habits. If only she had a bit more willpower, or a bit more strength, she wouldn’t have been put in this embarrassing situation in the first place. “I… suppose it has a nice view…” she mused, flipping through the pictures of the suites.

The corners of Tuula’s lips curled into a slight smile for the first time that day. “Great. I’ll book you in,” she replied, before Jaana had a chance to change her mind.

[OFF]

Lieutenant (J.G.) Tuula Voutilainen
Medical Officer
USS Galileo

Ensign Jaana Voutilainen
Stellar Cartographer
USS Galileo

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