We Can't Keep Meeting Like This

Posted on 19 Feb 2014 @ 11:34am by Lieutenant Teth Miir & Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson

3,750 words; about a 19 minute read

Mission: Episode 05 - Solstice
Location: New Tokyo Cafe, SFO
Timeline: MD25 0300

ON:

In a black suit with a black tie and a dark charcoal sweater vest, the tall, black haired Caitian waited. The diner was busy but quiet. All of the voices at a low, self contained murmur. 22nd century, Japanese electronica droned behind that. He had a dish of uneaten synthetic eel sushi and three empty glasses. Sleepless, he took a chance and called a patient to meet him there at such a painful hour.

It had taken Ellsworth a few minutes to compose himself after the counselor had called. The call itself had been bizarre, to say the least. He didn't really explain himself very well, but the summons in the middle of the night to a cafe off-the-beaten path seemed like it had some urgency to it. He'd run a hand through his hair and thrown on some tight fitting black pants and matching shirt. There was a cold rain falling outside, so he selected a dark hat and a high-collared coat, which got flipped up the moment he stepped outside.

By the time Ellsworth arrived at the cafe, he was very cold and a little wet despite his precautions against the rain. He placed his outerwear on a hook near the door and waved the waitress off, spotting the tall Caitian slumped down in a booth.

The young, lithe Betazoid slipped into the booth opposite the counselor and smiled as best he could. He knew little bags were hanging under his eyes, so incredibly unflattering, but he tried to be friendly despite his grumpiness.

"Hi, Counselor Miir. Uh, did you have a treatment breakthrough for me?" he asked, taking note of the empty glasses with a raised brow.

"No, nothing that serious." the counselor said softly and through watery gray eyes. "I just wanted to talk to you. How are you doing?"

Ellsworth blinked. He just wanted to talk to him? At 0300 hours? On a rainy night? In a cafe that was in the middle nowhere, relative to the Starfleet campus?

"Uh, I'm doing okay," he answered instinctively, but then shook his head to correct himself. "Uh, mostly. Things with K'os are really wonderful, but I had a run-in with that Andorian I slept with... Ugh. He's posted to the Galileo. In the Ops department, no less. I got dragged into this whole dumb interrogation with the ACOO and everything." He waved a hand, seeming irritated all over again. "It's fine, whatever. How are you doing?"

A server intervened for a moment, and Ellsworth ordered a pot of hot tea to work the chill out of his bones and wake his mind up after being roused from bed at the unorthodox hour.

Teth waved to the waiter for another glass of green.

"Life is complicated." the counselor said, as if the statement would explain everything.

Then after a moment of silence and thought, he recalculated his approach.

"Do you know who you are, as an individual, Ellsworth?" the question was only slightly slurred.

"Um," Ellsworth said, cocking his head slightly. He gave Teth a quizzical look, opened his mouth to answer and then closed it again. Sometimes he actually forgot he was telepathic, so he expanded his senses and then immediately lifted an eyebrow. Confusion...and drunkenness. The latter wasn't too surprising. "That's...sorta broad. I'm not sure how to answer... I guess I would say no. Sometimes I don't even have a clue."

"I see." Teth said sadly, looking somewhat defeated. "I suppose I have wasted your time by asking you down here, then. My apologies."

Ellsworth actually laughed.

"What? You got me out of bed to come down here, ask one question and then tell me to go back to bed? What's going on with you, man?" he asked, leaning across the table to look at him with questioning black eyes.

"I'm just drinking too much and sleeping too little." he said, biting the end of a split claw.

"Are you only sexually interested in other males?"

Ellsworth suddenly had a sly look of understanding; so that's what this was about. He folded his hands in front of him, absent-mindedly running one thumb across the top of the other. He kept his gaze averted until he spoke, then he looked up through thick eyelashes. They gave one long, lazy, alluring blink before he answered. "Yes."

Teth almost had the impression that the betazoid was attempting to be flirtatious, but he shrugged it off as being some alcohol-borne misperception.

"How do you know? Have you always felt that way? Did you figure it out later? Was it a conscious decision or do you think it's just the way you're wired?"

Ellsworth seemed disappointed just as suddenly as his interest had been piqued; most of the time when a man called in the middle of the night and wanted to meet somewhere private it meant something other than what they were currently discussing.

"At first... Hm. I had only one sexual experience on Betazed. He was one of the administrative staff at the last orphanage I stayed in before I skipped off to Risa," Ellsworth said. His nose wrinkled up a little bit. "It wasn't great. I mean, from a sex point of view. And it was also confusing. I always felt pretty sure that I was only attracted to men, but how was I to know until I was in a place to find out? If you ask me, I think people are all wired differently. I think my neurobiology is arranged in such a way that I'm only attracted to men, but I think some people are just the opposite and others still are somewhere in between. Flexible.

"So, anyway, when I arrived on Risa... Well. I had more than enough opportunities to explore my sexuality. I think people occupy themselves with sex about 75% of the day there. I had two sexual encounters with women; they were both very unsatisfying, sexually and emotionally. And I knew immediately that I didn't want a relationship with them. From there on it was men only for me." He grinned and lowered his voice to a whisper, winking. "A lot of them." He leaned back in the booth and gave the counselor a knowing look. "You having some trouble, counselor?"

The counselor quickly shook his head in the negative, not wanting to discuss himself. He leaned in with a critical gaze.

"How old were you when you had the encounter with the administrator on Betazed?"

"I was 16, the year I left for Risa," he answered. "He was 35, I believe. By Terran standards, it was completely inappropriate. Probably by Betazoid standards, too."

A could electrical current ran down Teth's spine and through the fingertips of his left hand. Some neurological misfiring because the control center was too busy avoiding self destruction.

"You were so young..." he just shook his head and looked deeply melancholy for a moment before continuing, "How do you think that impacted your sexuality?"

"Oh, I don't really think it impacted it at all," Ellsworth said, waving a hand to dismiss the idea as he accepted his tea from the server. He poured a small cup and began adding a generous amount of sweetener while he spoke. "I've talked about it before... I think some people think I'm naive for thinking it didn't impact me, but I'm virtually certain the experience didn't 'turn' me into a homosexual. I've always been this way; that experience was just a sexual experience. An awkward one. Probably one that shouldn't have happened. But it certainly hasn't defined me."

He took a sip of the tea and watched the counselor over the rim of the cup, fighting the urge to be more telepathically invasive.

"So, did you have a relationship with him? Was he ever threatening in any way?"

"I knew him," Ellsworth said. His eyes looked left as he sought to recall the events from earlier in his life. "He was he nicest person to me at the orphanage, which was rare. I was something of a problem child. I didn't know any better at the time, of course. I just thought he was nice. Then he kissed me one evening when I stayed to help clean the kitchens. It was a bit scary at first... I didn't exactly have the greatest control over my telepathic abilities, and the desire coming off of him was... It was very intense." Ellsworth fell quiet while he drank his tea. "Over the years, I've wondered how consensual our relationship was, but it didn't seem important to dwell on it. It happened, I moved on."

Teth nodded understandingly.

"Well, I am glad that it wasn't a necessarily negative experience for you. No one tried to strangle or stab you or anything."

The waiter returned with another drink and a paper bill, "cutting you off" written in large red ink letters. He crumpled it and shoved it in his pocket.

"So it's just something you've always known was a part of who you are?"

Ellsworth shook his head, not necessarily disagreeing but certainly at a loss for words. He tried to give the counselor his most sympathetic smile, sensing even without empathic abilities what this conversation was about. "I don't know if I'd characterize it like that. I didn't hit puberty and instinctively know, 'I'm only sexually attracted to men.' I think it's something I discovered over time, and it's something that's been confirmed not only by my life experiences but also by my emotions. It can be very confusing. Some people..." He stopped, trying to think about how to best phrase it. "Some people are in denial about it for a very long time, some people recognize and embrace it immediately. A minority seem capable of loving someone no matter what their gender is. And I think still others have such a fluidity of sexuality that it doesn't matter to them at all - they enjoy sexual experiences for the pure hedonism of it."

"Can I speak off the record?" Teth asked, carefully considering his words, "And by off the record I mean, can you never tell anyone anything I'm about to say to you, ever?"

Ellsworth chuckled a bit at 'off the record' but quickly quieted himself, realizing how serious the counselor was being. He nodded and smiled. "Betazoids are supposed to be good at keeping secrets. You have my word, I'll keep it to myself."

It seemed counterintuitive to Teth that a race of telepaths would be able to keep much of anything a secret- even though he knew that they had their ways.

"I had a similar relationship with one of my professors at the academy when I was sixteen. He was a cybernetic theory instructor and that was never a strong subject for me. Engineering of any kind, really. I just don't have a mind for mechanics."

He stopped himself, realizing he was losing track of his original point.

"I really didn't realize it was a relationship until it was too late, actually. He was tutoring me for his class. He invited me to his house for dinner. I met his wife and children. I felt like he was making me a part of his family, to some extent. Anyway, he invited me over one night to help me study. Except, no one else was home this time. Just me and him. He gave me some Romulan Ale and I fell asleep and woke up to him..."

At this point Teth started shifting in his seat, he had hoped the alcohol would make this conversation less awkward..

"Well suffice it to say that it was the beginning of our sexual relationship. I guess it went on for about six months? I really cared about him, I thought of him as a friend, maybe even a father figure. I guess he wanted something more. So he blackmailed me and I kept doing whatever I needed to to keep him in my life. It was all just an incredibly unhealthy dynamic. I never wanted the sex, not really. And his behavior was becoming more bizzare and erratic, I was afraid he might hurt himself or someone else. I wanted nothing to do with it. So I tried to break it off with him one night under the pretext of meeting up for an encounter. He... raped me. And I gave him a hell of a fight, I guess to the point where he couldn't control me so he stabbed me. I eventually fought him off anyway."

Teth told the story as if it were a casual, third person account of events. Then he took a breath and started carefully aligning the empty glasses on front of him. All of them in a perfectly straight row.

"But the problem is... every time I have any sort of romantic encounter or even if I'm using some stupid, trashy holo-novel, all I can think about is him. But not in a traumatized, fearful, panicked sort of way. At least not entirely. It's all just very confusing. I miss him, but when I think about him, I fantasize about killing him and mutilating his corpse."

Ellsworth listened patiently, nodding as the story went along. The last part caught him short, though. He was expecting some confession of homoerotic thoughts, not murder. Although it certainly seemed understandable, given the circumstances.

"Well, I'm no counselor," Ellsworth said, prefacing his response, "but... That seems like a lot of trauma. Confusing trauma. Do you think there are some latent homosexual tendencies that were just brought to fruition in your experience with him, and now the trauma can't be separated from that...orientation? Or..." The young Betazoid fell silent. He really didn't know what to say, feeling probably only a fraction as confused as the counselor. "I'm very sorry, counselor. I know that was an unpleasant experience." He gave him a frank, understanding smile but decided not to elaborate any further on what seemed to be the prelude of a personal story. "It sounds like there's a lot going on...I mean, many different things mixing with one another." He narrowed his eyes a little bit, as if trying to discern something. "Are you concerned you're homosexual?"

"No, not really." he said honestly, "I mean, there isn't anything wrong with that. It's just not what I ever thought I was. I met a woman recently. Beautiful, brilliant, funny, inciteful and well traveled. I think things are becoming more serious. I haven't ever really tried being in a relationship before. Not since all of that happened. I focused on school and work instead, I just kind of tried to actively ignore that side of my personality entirely. Until now, I actually just kind of tried to be asexual. Of course I'm not asexual, not really. I am just deeply disturbed that I can't be satisfied sexually... without replaying those events in my mind. And it seems fine at the time, but afterward I just want to hang myself or something."

Ellsworth looked thoughtful. He wanted to say something profound or helpful, but he didn't know anything about the repercussions of sexual abuse. It was probably something he should investigate, though. For his own sake.

"I'm at a loss," Ellsworth said, shrugging. "Do you think it's worthwhile exploring that...uh, part...of your sexuality? It might be enlightening. It was for me, at least. Although with the trauma... I don't know."

"I don't know, crewman." Teth said, leaning back and balancing on the two back legs of his chair, teetering precariously.

"I shouldn't have brought you down here. I know this has all been highly inappropriate of me. I am very sorry. I guess I just thought that maybe you could relate in some way? You seemed very troubled when you came to me... I've been seeing Dr. Carlisle regularly, but she's also my department head. I really don't want her to know that much about me."

he leaned forward and the chair landed on all of it's legs with a loud thud.

"I really just need to figure this out on my own."

Ellsworth frowned, thinking 'figure this all out on my own' was synonymous with trying to fix a bad situation alone and just making it worse in the process. He took up his teapot and poured another cup, giving a nonverbal cue that he wasn't exactly ready to be whisked out. Not after being dragged down here in the middle of the night, at least.

"When you called, I thought you might have wanted to see me for, uh, different reasons. You know, people have urges, and I'm not exactly closeted about my promiscuity," he smiled behind his tea cup, watching over the rim. "I don't mind talking with you about it, and I do relate. It was confusing enough for me; I can't even imagine how you feel right now. You can always speak with me about it. I don't mind listening, and I'd rather you feel like you had someone to talk to, young and inexperienced and unqualified as I am, rather than keep it all bottled up inside."

"You're my patient. I am not yours. You are a quartermaster... Did you really think I called you down her for sex? Is that really how I come across?"

Teth's expression turned to one of concern.

"I would never become involved with a patient. That's very unethical."

Ellsworth thought it was very telling that he noted he would never have a relationship with a patient, as opposed to never having a relationship with another man. He tried to give him an easy smile. "It's not how you came across. It's just that it's 0300 hours in a rainstorm; honesty, I wasn't sure what to think. But a boy can hope, right?" Before the counselor could become uncomfortable about that, he rushed on. "And just because you're not my patient doesn't mean you can't be my friend. Friends talk to one another, seek advice. Are you not allowed to be friends with your patients, either? I can see another counselor, seems a shame to turn down a friendship based on easily solved problems of medical ethics."

"Alright." Teth agreed, almost a little too quickly. "See a different shrink, and we can interact like normal people."

Teth started to gather his things, wondering whether he should brave the rain or wait a little longer.

"I think I just need a break. From everything and everyone. Maybe with all these neurosurgeries I've been subjected to recently, maybe I just needed more time to recover." he paused for a moment, looking past Ellsworth at the passing traffic in the street. "I just need to take a trip. Just for a few days. Clear my head. Make sense of everything. I just need to take one detour and then I can just cut contact with everyone and be by myself and just think.

Ellsworth watched him gather his things before downing the rest of the tea in his small cup and standing up, too. He thought the counselor's plan sounded like a prelude to suicide, but sometimes people did just need some time alone. A dark, rainy night didn't seem like one, though. "May I walk back with you?"

As Teth was standing, he realized precisely how inebriated he was. Having had bad luck walking alone on dark city streets in the past, he was happy for the company.

"Sure. Thank you."

Ellsworth led the way to the coat rack near the door and redressed himself, careful to turn the collar up to keep the rain off his neck. As he did so, he kept his eyes on Teth the entire time, looking over his body. He was tall and lanky, which he liked. Even so, it seemed bad form to hit on a drunk confused guy, especially one with his history. As they walked along in the rain, Ellsworth thought maybe once Teth came back from his little retreat, he could invite him to dinner. Or out for drinks, something... Or, maybe not. He didn't want to seduce him into bed then lay there afterward, knowing the furry form next to him was contemplating hanging himself.

Ellsworth shook his head to clear his thoughts from the long walk once they arrived at Teth's bunk. The young Betazoid triggered the sensor with a waving hand to the open the door for Teth and allowed him to go ahead, motioning with a gracious smile.

Teth went inside and sprawled himself across his bed, fully clothed, rain jacket and all, oblivious to the world, ignoring the presence of Ellsworth behind him.

"Um," Ellsworth said, stepping just inside the threshold without an invitation. He looked around and then back at Teth, whose tall form seemed to be half hanging off the bed. "Do you, uh, need help? You kinda drank a lot..."

Teth didn't respond, having almost completely lost consciousness. He heard a vague noise but chose to ignore it.

Ellsworth rolled his eyes and marched over to Teth. He wrestled with him to remove the raincoat, tie and suit jacket. He'd had to deal with plenty of drunk clients in his day, so he'd learned all the tricks to roll them this way and that to get them into a state of undress. Some hormone driven part of him - a part he absolutely did not want to admit existed - briefly encouraged him to strip the poor caitian down completely. But he left him with his shirt and pants intact; the remaining clothes he hung over the back of a chair. The rain coat, still wet, earned a place spread out on the floor.

"You're a mess, counselor," Ellsworth said, looking in a storage closet for a blanket to cover him. He retrieved one, Starfleet standard issue, and kneeled on the bed to tuck it around Teth's body.

"Goodnight, M'Ressa." Teth murmured before reflexively pulling the blanket over his head.

Ellsworth paused for a moment, then ran a hand through his mane for good measure. He put a reassuring hand on his shoulder for a moment then stood back up. "Goodnight, Teth." When he reached the doors, he pressed the button on the control panel to deactivate the lights and left the poor, drunk, confused counselor to sleep the rest of the night away.

OFF:

Lt. JG Teth Miir
Counselor
USS Galileo

&

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo

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