How to Impress Your Superiors

Posted on 18 Feb 2014 @ 10:51pm by Lieutenant Teth Miir & Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle

2,772 words; about a 14 minute read

Mission: Episode 05 - Solstice
Location: Starfleet Medical, Counseling Offices
Timeline: MD9

ON:

Teth made his way down one of the many sprawling corridors of Starfleet Medical, dressed in his civilian attire. Gray pants, gray button up shirt with a mandarin collar, and his ever present sweater vest, this time a light blue color. He felt somewhat out of place as he passed countless uniformed officers.

He had spent his entire course of study in the academy and after, specializing in the treatment of post traumatic stress sufferers. He knew he should be used to it by now, and he knew he should be able to remain objective. But ever since he received orders to transfer to the Galileo, meeting it's crew, learning it's history, he had been somewhat haunted by his own memories. Ones he thought he had resolved years before.

He finally arrived at the door of the office where he had scheduled to meet with Dr. Carlisle. He hadn't even spoken to her in person yet, but the rest of the crew he had met seemed to hold her in high esteem. He sighed and hit the door chime.

"Come in," a voice called out, the doors opening upon her voice command. The blonde occupant of the office could be seen standing behind the desk organizing a decent sized stack of PADDs. When she looked up, her sparkling blue eyes revealed recognition and immediate regret as she came around the desk and extended her hand. "Counselor Teth Miir, I presume. Thank you for coming by to see me. I apologize for not meeting you upon your arrival. I hope you won't take that as an indication of how much I value what you have to offer. I am very pleased to have you with us."

"There is no offense taken, doctor."

Teth took a seat opposite the side of the desk he was used to. It felt strange as he'd not done it in some time. Perhaps at his last Starfleet psych-evaluation. Though he loved his work, he often felt anxiety over being treated by others in his field. It made him feel vulnerable in a way which was difficult to even express in words.

"I have a few... personal issues I would like to discuss, counselor. And please don't take it as any of it as any kind of unprofessional attribute on my behalf. I've been doing this for years and coping just fine. But there's just something about coming to the Galileo and meeting with so many of the crew here...."

"I respect a counselor who knows how and when to ask for help," Delainey replied evenly. She was not expecting this meeting to go in this particular direction, but that didn't mean she was unnerved by it, or him, either. "What issues are of concern?" she asked gently.

"So many people here have been assimilated by the Borg. I spoke to the captain about his recovery and the conversation was very... unnerving for me."

Teth stared intently at a small crack in the surface of the counselor's desk.

"I suppose to provide context... I have Borg implants, in my brain. They were experimental at the time, and I wonder how many people died so I could be here and have this technology...."

His thoughts were disjointed and he had a great deal of difficulty putting into words what he wanted to say. At times like this, he envied telepaths, spoken language suddenly seemed cumbersome and overbearing.

"When I was fourteen, I went to a trade conference with my parents and sister on Axanar. They were busy with the conference, so R'lara and I were left to our own devices. We were bored, we decided to explore the city. We got separated, the sun set, I got very very lost." until this point he maintained a monotone suitable for describing the life cycle of fungus spore. He had repeated this part so many times he could recite it in his sleep.

"I was attacked from behind, it was very disorienting and I tried to fight back, but evidently I failed. I woke up, four days later. I was back on earth. That's when they put in the Borg implants, my brain and spine had been so badly damaged that I would have been completely paralyzed. Well, more likely, I would have died from the extent of the injuries."

His expression became twisted and he lowered his voice, " But the problem is, I never could remember what happened during those four days. I assumed it was all lost along with much of my organic bran matter. But a few days ago, it all came back. I remember all of it, and I really don't want to."

Delainey didn't have to be a therapist to see the pain the man carried inside him, and as often happened, Carlisle's maternal streak came to the fore before her professional instincts kicked in. She waited a beat to allow her head to catch up to her heart, and then offered, "I can help you sort this out if you feel you can trust me. I can see what a burden this has been for you, and I'd like to help. If you like, we can move over to the seating area where you might feel a bit more comfortable."

Carlisle didn't want to break Teth's momentum, but she didn't want him to think he had to share his never before recalled painful details in the same chairs people sat in to give her updates and other basic neutral details

"Of course." he agreed somberly, before trying to retain his usual, calm and cheerful demeanor.

He offered the doctor a slight nod as he walked toward the comparably well cushioned seating area. But he was extremely tense and somehow the sinking softness of the couch gave him the sensation that he would be swallowed alive by the thing. With a shudder, he managed to shrug it off and relax slightly.

Carlisle decided to sit next to Teth on the sofa rather than across from him in her "therapist's chair." She didn't want to presume he was seeking treatment from her, especially as this was their first meeting, preferring to give him the sense they were just two colleagues working on a problem together.

"These memories that are coming back to you...do they include the attack itself?"

"Well, yes. They do. I..." he sighed, "It's very intrusive. I can't sleep. I think I've been having dissociative episodes. I'm honestly quite afraid."

"Of?" Delainey knew Teth likely understood his symptoms were a normal response to what he'd been through, and she knew he was aware there was treatment available as he had provided it to others. She knew as much from his records. Carlisle was not blaming him for his fear, though she wondered about its source.

"To always be this way." he replied more calmly, his eyes diverting to hers, "I seem to be... quite damaged. I am afraid I can't repair it. I don't think I could live that way."

Her tone was gentle. "I wonder what you would say to someone you were counseling who just said what you did?"

"I would likely tell them that there is treatment. There is hope." he explained, sounding hollow, "That there is never a good reason to give up entirely. I would possibly suggest that they be placed under observation in case that are a threat to themselves. But I've lost enough patients over the past few years to realize that the outcome isn't so hopeful. We just perpetuate the idea anyway."

"So are you saying there is no effective treatment or hope for you?"

The caitian thought for a moment. He couldn't definitively say anything for certain.

"I don't know. But in retrospect I think I've spent a lot of time lying to my patients and giving them false hope. I can't believe the things I tell them anymore and I certainly am having a difficult time applying my own advice to myself. I'm a hypocrite and a fraud."

Delainey considered his words for a moment. "By your own admission, you've just started to remember what happened to you. You haven't yet had the opportunity to receive treatment to deal with the whole picture yet. Might it be possible you're making premature assumptions about who you are and what you're worth?"

"It's quite likely." he agreed clinically, "Logic and rationality only mean so much sometimes, though."

"Fair enough," she replied. "I can help you deal with all of this, and I will," Carlisle added. "That said, I'm sure you understand why it's not ethical or prudent to have a counselor who's struggling to see the value of his profession working with the crew."

"I figured you might say that." Teth said, an irritated edge to his voice. "I considered not even coming here, actually. I am told that the Idanians have pioneered a new technique in erasing memory engrams. I have a fairly large amount of credits saved. But there was a nagging fear of disappearing down a back alley and having my organs harvested."

Delainey grew a bit more concerned as she listened to Teth. As a counselor, he should've known that avoiding his own psych eval was not an option, and the notion he'd considered doing so didn't inspire confidence that he was in any shape to counsel the crew. That aside, she recognized he was clearly traumatized and reacting as such, and the last thing she wanted to do was be overly punitive.

"You're really struggling, Teth. I can see that. I'm really glad you decided to share these things with me, and though I hear you're not sure if there's hope, the fact you came here tells me you still have some. I'd like to start working with you personally, and I'm wondering what you'd think if I met with you daily to discuss your work with the crew? As I said, I am concerned about your state of mind right now and how it would affect your work. I'm not going to remove you from duty right now, as I think we can get you where you'd like to be fairly quickly, but I'd like to know what you think."

All at once Teth felt exhausted by the conversation. He was happy that she didn't want to dismiss him from duty or make him check in to Starfleet Psychiatric while he was in town. He didn't want daily counseling. He knew what it would entail and at times, a back alley memory engram procedure seemed more salient. Though treatments had improved over the years, the basic principles for treating post traumatic stress remained essentially the same. He knew he would have to consciously and coherently process the entire event. He had helped many other people in the position he was in now and it always seemed so unpleasant.

"That sounds reasonable." he agreed with a pang of defeat in his voice. "I really would prefer to keep working."

Delainey nodded. "I understand and respect that. While I can't promise I won't remove you from duty, I can promise I won't do so lightly and wherever possible, I won't do so without talking to you first."

"Understood, Doctor." he said, hoping dearly that it wouldn't come to that. If it came to the point where suicide might be necessary, he thought, he would need to execute the plan quickly and discreetly. He definitely would prefer to die with dignity than be kept alive indefinitely by more machines.

"I look forward to seeing you tomorrow." he said with a weak but sincere smile, "hopefully we can address this thing and move on."

Something was still nagging at Delainey, and the pause between her reply to the counselor was noticeable as she mentally attempted to replay the exchange back in her mind. Sometimes it was absolutely critical to take note of what people said in session, but much of the time, it was almost more important to pay attention to how things were said. What was her overall impression of Teth's emotional state? Anxious, yes, but also depressed.

Carlisle exhaled slowly as she realized what she needed to explore given these circumstances. It was standard for any assessment, but especially in cases of depression. The fact that her client was a fellow therapist and a fellow trauma specialist at that didn't make his needs any less than anyone else. "Given the circumstances, I'm sure you'll understand why I'm asking. Are you or have you ever considered killing yourself?" The question was clear and direct, the mark of someone who was used to asking this and other inappropriate for cocktail party type questions.

"Not lately."

But what was considered lately? The past week? The past three days? The past ten minutes? Teth was already at work, rationalizing his mistruths.

"Of course if I were suicidal, and I mean actually suicidal. Not melancholoy I want to fall into a coma and sleep for ever kind. I wouldn't tell anyone. I would spend time with my family and try to enjoy life just a little more. Then when I was ready, I would just end it. No warning. Probably something simple and efficient, a phaser beam on overload."

The caitian remained analytical in his repose.

"You know, all of the tell tale behavior. And in the end we can't save everyone."

The truth was, Delainey knew what she had to do the moment Teth uttered his first two words in answer to her question. She appreciated the Catian's candor, of course, and it only reinforced the notion he was crying out for help. To keep him on duty at this point would be to risk his health and that of the rest of the crew.

She had no choice. "I appreciate your honesty, Teth. You're clearly in a lot of pain right now, and though you may not currently be suicidal, your answer to my question suggests you have been in the not so distant past. In addition, you've considered how you might end your life, and you've shared you would not communicate with anyone if and when you decided to kill yourself. Under these circumstances, I'm not ready to clear you for duty. I don't want to involuntarily remove you from duty and place you under my care, but if you're unwilling to agree to this, I would have no choice. My number one priority is your health and safety, and I believe whole-heartedly you can get through this and return to work. Will you let me help you?"

Even though he knew it was coming, the doctor's words sliced him to the core. He knew the indignity that resisting her could bring. That she was doing her job and exactly what he himself would do if he were in her place, He still had a frail and creeping urge to rip out her trachea.

"Yes." he said, diverting his vision to the corners on the door.

"Whatever you think is necessary."

"I'd like to hear what you think is necessary, Teth." It was Delainey's way of assessing his degree of insight into his problems. He was clearly traumatized and depressed, and though she expected a certain amount of passive aggressiveness from one in his position, she needed to know if he was agreeing with her because it was the path of least resistance or if he truly intended to work at getting better.

He looked back to Delainey again, assessing her carefully. Guessing what she was thinking. It didn't seem difficult, but lacking some telepathic ability it was impossible to know for certain.

"In spite of any ideas or impulses I may have, I recognize that I am not in a healthy state of mind. I know I'm not a threat to myself. Not really, but you don't know that. So I have to trust you to treat me correctly and not destroy my life and my career. There is a shift in a power dynamic here that I admittedly am not entirely comfortable with."

Carlisle nodded. She felt a great deal of sympathy and admiration for him but sought to be especially careful with her choice of words so as not to reinforce any sense of weakness he already felt. "I thank you for your candor, Teth. I hope in time you will come to see me as someone you deem worthy of it."

Teth nodded and gave a short smile.

"Thank you for your time, lieutenant."

OFF:

Lt. Delainey Carlisle M.D. Ph.D.
Counselor
USS Galileo

&

Lt. JG Teth Miir
Counselor
USS Galileo

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