Release

Posted on 12 Jan 2014 @ 12:48am by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson & Lieutenant Teth Miir

3,180 words; about a 16 minute read

Mission: Episode 05 - Solstice
Location: Dusseldorf, Germany, Earth
Timeline: MD 15 - 1410 hrs

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When Ellsworth enlisted in Starfleet, his full personal history was exposed, which meant his personnel file carried more than a couple of mental health flags. He knew he had his fair share of problems because no one touched by the brutal war came away unscathed. In retrospect, his stupid decision to run away to Risa and engage in less-than-healthy activities probably didn't help either.

Despite recognizing the need for counseling, there was something in him that resented its mandatory nature during basic and advanced training. While other recruits were spending their free time with sports and extra studying, Ellsworth was in a counselor's office complaining about the problems of a war orphan turned escort turned military trainee.

When he graduated from advanced training, he was relieved to learn that the next required counseling appointment was three months away. At the time it seemed like a burden lifted off his shoulders. But after his meltdown on a side street in Florence he was forced to privately acknowledge Starfleet's foresight in making available qualified mental health professionals.

Teth Miir sat at a small table in a quiet but scenic park. It was lined with red maple trees and had a statue in the center of some long lost, great Caitian research scientist. The park was just across from a rather busy Boliana-Turkish delicatessen in the Caitian sector of Dusseldorf. The counselor was already on his way to visit his home city when a crewman had contacted him for a counseling session. He had plenty of free time that day and was happy to oblige, albeit in a somewhat non-conventional location.

He was quite early for the meeting and watched the patrons at the food stand for some time. As he drank a cup of tea, he found himself wondering if he himself should get something to snack on while he waited for his patient to arrive. Instead, he settled for reviewing the available files on Petty Officer Hudson. He noticed he was a young Betazoid from his file and wondered if he would have him at a disadvantage. He knew Betazoids took not invading others thoughts very seriously in practice, but he was curious as to how often they accidentally eavesdropped.

A picture was included in the file and Teth looked up from his table to scan for a dark haired Betazoid of slight stature.

Ellsworth did his best to not look too lost, but Dusseldorf was foreign territory so he stepped cautiously. The counselor's suggestion of location had seem unorthodox to him, but it was a welcome change of pace from a neutral-colored room in an administrative complex.

He'd been relying on Lieutenant Miir's race to locate him, but the park was evidently in some sort of Caitian quarter because the cat-like creatures were everywhere around him. Thankfully he'd looked up the counselor's personnel file before departing San Francisco for the city, so he was able to spot him at the table and gave a friendly wave as he approached.

"Good afternoon, counselor," Ellsworth said, giving a broad friendly smile as he pulled out the opposing chair at the table. He wasn't entirely sure whether title or rank was more appropriate, so he went with his instinct. "Thanks for agreeing to meet with me. I know it's an unusual time."

"Not a problem at all!" Miir replied cheerfully, "Thank you for meeting me here, I know that this isn't exactly a typical location for a session. But fresh air does everyone good sometimes."

The caitian delicately picked up his cup of tea and sipped it before continuing, it was a thick Vulcan blend that smelled somewhat like bitter liquorice.

"So what would you like to discuss?"

Ellsworth folded his hands on the table and stared at them, coming to appreciate the finer points of telepathic communication. Verbally explaining his emotions and personal difficulties sometimes seemed clumsy and limited by his own inadequacies.

"I had a recent experience, and...well, wait," he said, interrupting himself and shaking his head in mild frustration. "I got so many problems I never know where to start. No parents, war orphan, never adopted... So on and so forth.

"Anyway, I ran away from Betazed when I was young, stowed away on a transport to Risa. It was a stupid thing to do, I dunno what the hell I was thinkin'. I just wanted to get away from there, and Risa seemed so exotic, y'know? I thought I was gonna live the life of a holovid or somethin'. I changed my name, started sleepin' on the beach and bummin' around town. I didn't have a whole lot of money and that ran out soon. I met a couple of guys that seemed to have a good life. I'm attractive, young...so that's how I started doin' what I did."

Ellsworth wasn't exactly sure why he couldn't say male escort aloud. Prostitute. Whore. The counselor was a stranger, sure, but he'd never really seemed ashamed of it before. It hadn't always been the greatest lifestyle, but he got to see and experience things that he would have never been exposed to before: exclusive resorts, fancy parties, high-quality luxury goods. The credits had been pretty good, too.

Teth settled into his chair as he listened to the crewman's account. He cringed inwardly at the implication of prostitution, but he didn't want to be too presumptuous.

"And what did you do?" he asked, anticipating an answer he already knew.

Ellsworth scratched a non-existent itch on his hand and kept his eyes focused downward. He always tried not to read anything at all from counselors after his very first session, where his empathic abilities harvested nothing but passive judgement and condescension. The officer had done a good job performing his duties, appearing to be an attentive listener and dispensing the best psychological advice, but Ellsworth had left the session feeling so incredibly self-conscious that he'd nearly dropped out of basic training.

"I was an escort," he blurted. "On Risa. It's not like I set out with that in mind... It just, happened. It was actually kinda fun at first. Parties and stuff. I could get whatever I wanted. There was a lot of...sex." He paused, thinking how to frame the rest of the story without being explicit or divulging information that neither one of them wanted to hear. "Anyway, I guess Risa didn't turn out to be what I thought it was... I thought I was gonna have some kinda adventure. Like a book or something."

He gave a joyless laugh. "Sounds pretty dumb, lookin' back."

Miir wondered what kind of life would drive the seemingly friendly and intelligent young man in front him to flee his home world with no resources to care for himself. What made becoming an escort a viable option to a member of a highly empathic race and all of the extra psychological baggage that would accompany it as a result.

"Were you always a willing participant in those activities?" the counselor probed, trying to keep things as clinical as possible in hopes of reducing discomfort.

"Yes," he said. Then, a moment later, "No."

Ellsworth sighed and brought a hand to his forehead, unsure of how to explain himself.

"I was always a willing participant in that occupation. Until the end, I guess. But not always a willing participant in the activities that some clients required of me." He closed his eyes for a brief moment, brow furrowed, then opened them again. "Everyone has to do things they don't wanna do sometimes. To make it, I mean. Right? So. It wasn't a big deal. I was just like a... Well, a lot of things - trophy, service provider, pretty bauble, sex instrument - with the common denominator being an object. I was an object, an object for rent."

"Except you weren't and aren't an object." the counselor added, biting the inside of his cheek as he carefully chose what to say next. He was impressed by Ellsworth's candid nature but couldn't help suspecting that he had dissociated himself from the events.

"You identified as an object then, what do you identify yourself as now?"

Ellsworth heard a child's laughter to his left, drawing his attention to a couple of human and caitian children chasing one another around the shrubs at one corner of the park. He smiled and watched them for awhile before deciding to answer.

"Is it fair to say, 'I don't know'? That was two years ago. I thought when I joined Starfleet I could neatly close that chapter of my life and start a new one. I talked about it with counselors - it was a mandatory condition on my enlistment - but mostly I tried to put it behind me. I never thought about how to redefine myself or what to redefine myself as, really. A member of Starfleet? A Betazoid? Quartermaster?" He seemed to grow a little more sullen, cutting his eyes to the playing children. "A kid?"

Miir also looked over to the playing children and remembered playing as a child in the very park he was sitting now. And it seemed like aeons had passed since and that carefree part of him had been irreparably broken. He felt ancient for his mere twenty eight years.

He spoke softly and almost with a sense of understanding, "Two years isn't much time. You say you thought you could neatly put that chapter behind you. Do you have recurring thoughts or dreams about that time in your life?"

"I do. Sometimes it's easy to deal with, sometimes it's not," Ellsworth admitted. "A few days ago I met someone... At a bar. I don't even remember his last name. I just hadn't been with another person since before I enlisted, and I let my... Hm. Base instincts? I let my base instincts get the best of me. I treated that guy like an object. Like people used to treat me. And I didn't even care until the next day."

"What makes you say you objectified him?"

One night stands were nothing uncommon, especially among single Starfleet officers, so Teth wondered what could have been so debasing about this one in particular.

"It's hard to explain," Ellsworth grumbled, dropping his hands off the table and into his lap. He wasn't sure if it was actually hard to explain or just hard for him to explain; either way, it was frustrating.

"When you can sense what other people are thinkin', things just aren't the same. I knew I was objectifying him because I could feel I was objectifying him. I mean, that guy was a painter, and I just..." He inhaled deeply, reining in the emotions that threatened to go out of control again. "I could tell that he wasn't a one-night stand kinda guy. He wasn't in a shady bar. He had a kind, creative soul. He was the kinda guy lookin' for a date. But I could also tell he was suffering from a lack of companionship, if you take my meaning, and I used that for my own purposes. Manipulatively. And then, in the morning, when I was disgusted with myself I just left without a word."

"And you feel like you coerced him under false pretenses?"

The strength in Ellsworth's neck seemed to go out, and he spoke into his lap as his head dropped. "It just felt like a transaction. It's not like I'm opposed to a one-night stand - who cares? Except this just didn't feel like a one-night stand, it felt like I just used that guy. It was like he was an object, as if I was experiencing what it was like to be on the other side of the equation."

"So aside from feelings of guilt, how did it feel to be on the other side of the equation?"

Teth had studied mating habits at great length during the academy, but he had very few romantic interactions himself, and certainly not on any casual basis. He simply had neither the time nor the energy to pursue them. He honestly was curious as to what it felt like to be in that sort of precarious entanglement.

Ellsworth let out an unexpected laugh. There was nothing particularly funny about the question, but it let off some nervous energy. "During the act, it felt just fine. 748 days without intercourse, for a Betazoid, isn't a walk in the park. Mostly fine, I should say, if I'm being honest... Even in the midst of our activities, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew what I was doing somehow seemed...wrong. I don't really think my thinking mind was engaged at that point, though."

He paused and watched an errant leaf scuttled along the ground next to the table in a light breeze.

"Aside from the guilt, it felt empowering," he admitted. "I wasn't the helpless one in the situation anymore. I had the control, the ownership, the power. I was able to take what I wanted."

"Do you think it's possible that the man you were with didn't feel objectified at all? Maybe he found the experience to be enjoyable and just regarded it as a simple fling? Even people who greatly value loyal mate bonds do partake in casual sex from time to time. It's just the nature of humanoids."

Ellsworth lifted an eyebrow in thought. He had to admit that he'd been so wrapped up in his own emotions, so committed to the idea that he'd used the Andorian, that he never really considered the possibility that he'd been okay with the whole thing. Even the early morning departure, never to be seen again.

"I guess I never considered that," he admitted. "I mean, I know he wasn't that sort of guy. I felt it in the bar. But, it's not like he wasn't a willing participant, right? Maybe there was room beyond the black and white approach I sensed. Maybe there was a gray area, where he felt okay to let himself go every once in awhile."

The young Betazoid rubbed a fingernail across something stuck to the top of the park table, staring intently at it while he thought. With each breath, he felt a little of his anxiety ease away. Maybe it was just a meaningless encounter after all. He felt release.

Teth sighed to himself as he looked at the young man, he did very much seem like a child in many way. Someone who had been thrown into dangerous situations far too early to be equipped to handle them.

"It is absolutely possible to have a casual encounter without someone coming out as a victim- or like an object." Teth added, his attention now on the object stuck to the table.

"Now you say you have had recurring thoughts about your time as a sex worker. Do these thoughts trouble you? Do you ever have times when you think or feel you are back in the moment, back then on Risa?"

Ellsworth could have been closing his eyes and furrowing his brow in thought, but it was really in reaction to the term 'sex worker.' It was correct, technically. He had been a sex worker. He knew that's how it was referred to by planetary officials, non-governmental organizations working for or against the practice, and others. But something about the term just drudged up all those feelings of objectification.

"I think thoughts of the way my entire life has unfolded trouble me," he said, hastily adding, "sometimes. I'm not some kinda angry misanthrope or nothin' like that. I just know Starfleet is the only normal thing that's ever happened to me, so I've been trying to focus on that and not worry about all the other stuff. I guess that doesn't answer the question, though...

"Um, yeah. I have troubling thoughts about my time on Risa...as a sex, uh...sex worker. I don't feel like people in my every day life are treating me that way or nothin' like that, y'know? But sometimes I just feel anxious when I think about my time there, or I have to explain it to someone. People don't like to hear about this kinda shit."

He didn't raise his head but his eyes immediately darted up to make contact after the expletive slipped. "Sorry, lieutenant."

"No need to be, Mr. Hudson. If you decide to keep seeing me, you will come to realize quite quickly that I am not overly fond of formalities."

Teth hunched over, his long, lanky arms now resting on the table in front of him as some frail attempt at being close and comforting. He would have given him a hug, but he had been reprimanded in the past for doing just that with a patient.

"I am very concerned by your feelings of anxiety, though. Do you ever feel an urge to harm yourself?"

Ellsworth raised his head, looking confused. He tilted his head slightly to the side. "You mean, like, suicide? Looking for a way out or somethin'?"

"Suicide, self mutilation, things along those lines." the caitian explained in a dry manner.

Ellsworth wrinkled his nose and shook his head.

"No, not really. Or at all, really. I never wanted to kill myself, even on my worst days back on Betazed. I just kinda wanted to be somewhere else. Or someone else. I definitely wouldn't self-mutilate." Ellsworth blushed a little bit, hoping he wasn't going to sound too boastful. "I kinda like the way I look...so. I wouldn't wanna mess that up. I-I mean, I know those things happen to people! I just don't get it. Y'know, why they do it."

Teth shrugged. "It's just a coping mechanism for some people, maladaptive as it may be. In any case, it is good to hear that you aren't suicidal. You seem to be a very strong person, emotionally. A lot of people who have gone through what you have, or even less, have had a much more difficult time coping."

The wind started picking up and the skies were suddenly overcast. Even with Earth's weather controls, Germany just wouldn't be the same without rainy days, and the Caitian suspected it might begin to rain soon.

"I do want you to continue visiting with me, if that's ok with you." Teth added, looking toward the sky, "Is there anything else you wanted to discuss?"

Ellsworth smiled, buoyed a bit by the praise and feeling some relief from the epiphany about his evening with the Andorian ops officer. The build up in tension and anxiety would likely be slow in releasing itself, but he could already feel some of the tightness releasing in his shoulders and neck and breathing seemed easier.

"I think that's probably all for now. Thank you for meeting with me, Lieutenant. I know it was kinda weird timing and all. I really appreciate it."

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Lieutenant JG Teth Miir
Counselor
USS Galileo

&

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo

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