The Fine Art of Being Fake (2/2)

Posted on 17 Apr 2013 @ 9:06pm by Lieutenant Dawn Meridian

4,083 words; about a 20 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3, Dawn's Office
Timeline: MD 02 - 1600

Previously...

Jeremy was torn between the idea of lying on the floor and getting up so that he could see her as necessary. Sighing, he let discomfiture win out and stood, leaving Sidi to rest on the floor. "Why not? Why can't it just be that simple? Why does it have to be complicated and some intricate game of words and hidden meanings and..." he shook his head frowning but looking at his PADD...there was something...Lieutenant Rice. She had..."mental gymnastics to misunderstand what was said. Why not just say it simple and straightforward? Why the games?"

"Because making someone feel better about themselves isn't that easy. Even if one person tells you that you're great, others are still going to be confused by you. They're not going to understand why you act the way you do, and that'll make things worse." Dawn looked at him, happy that she could see more than just his head now, and without leaning forward. "So if I can help with the source of that misunderstanding, I'm trying to help others see you the same way. It's just... slow. And frustrating." She shrugged. "I don't think it's pointless."

"But, they'll only accept me if I become someone else. So you're not helping me but...some fake person. Somebody that isn't real." he shook his head as he stared at Sidi. "I've already become somebody not real, I can't do it again. That's why it's pointless."

And now, the conclusion...

[ON]

Stone was right, of course. At least, he was right about 'sensitivity training.' Pretending to be someone you weren't just so everyone around you would be more comfortable wasn't living, and it wasn't fixing anything. It was just a lie - and she hated it. "Right. That's why sensitivity training is silly." She looked from Stone to Sidi and back again. They made a good pair, even if it had caused a fair share of trouble. "I want to help you, not force you into wearing another mask. Masks are boring. They slowly kill you inside."

Jeremy scowled as he looked at her. "Then this time is going to be wasted? Or, will you use it for more general counseling?"

Dawn raised an eyebrow, watching him quizzically. "I think general counselling is the best option. It follows the spirit of the captain's orders. Between that and sensitivity training, it's probably the better option." She tilted her head at Sidi. "You don't think that's a good idea?"

Jeremy scowled as he looked around the office, noticing the many tiny touches that needed to be corrected. "I don't require 'sensitivity training'," he said. He sighed deeply. "Dr. Mulgrew says I require counseling. He wants me to continue receiving counseling and to actively participate. You have not yet ordered me into evaluation."

He shrugged. "It makes sense and fulfills most everyone's wishes."

That was a very dry way of putting it, but Dawn couldn't really fault him for it. She wasn't being forced into something she didn't want to do. Although... maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she had to counsel herself. "Right," she said after a time. "Although hopefully it won't always be only the 'least worst' option." She let out a breath. That was such a cumbersome way to look at it. Still, it would probably work out, as long as she avoided arguing about Sidi for a little while. She had to think on that one.

"Counselor," Jeremy scowled. "I have been in counseling for ten years." He stopped for a moment as he stared at his PADD. That statement was quantum...both true and false at the same time. "I have participated for nearly six years. It remains the least worst option because it does not help me. Especially when I have to keep defending my job in evaluation after evaluation."

Dawn gave a slow nod, suddenly pensive. Ten years was... a long time. She'd looked over his records, but she'd never really noticed that the time frame was so long. Her face fell. Was she really going to be able to succeed where ten years of other counsellors had failed? She'd have to go over the files again. Why had they failed? Was there something she could do differently than they had?

Still... just because they had failed didn't mean she had to give up. But it did make Stone's scowl a bit more understandable. She couldn't give up, not with someone like Stone. If she wasn't able to help him, she wasn't sure anyone else would be able to. He'd bounce from counsellor to counsellor until someone higher up decided to deal with the problem for good. She wasn't going to let that happen. "I think it could help you," Dawn said, her voice little more than a whisper. "But you're right. Sending you in for evaluation doesn't help matters. I won't do it. Not while I still have hope left. And I'm not a person that gives up easily."

Self-consciously he tugged on his sleeves then put his hands behind his back. "You are not the only one on the ship with the authority to order it," he reminded her while thinking of Wilson's already determined opinion that he needed to be locked up...an opinion based only on her own incompetence and the shattering of her childish delusion of a perfect universe. "Where do you wish to start?"

It was true. Others could order him into evaluation, even if she didn't. But she'd fight it, as long as she had reason to. She'd fight it; she had no intention of letting that dumb cycle continue. Stone would lose, and she would lose, and no one would be happy. "Music didn't work, then," she said, as much as statement as a question.

He bowed his head instead of looking around. "I don't know, sir," he said, remembering that she had made it an order. Though she didn't outrank him, it was an order from counseling which had just as much authority on him as if from a superior officer. "I forgot to try it all the time. It didn't work when I thought I'd killed Sidi but...it didn't make things worse. I'll have to..." he sighed. "I need to find some way to follow that order."

Dawn's eyes followed his head, their grey depths flickering. She didn't mind so much that he hadn't been able to follow her 'order' to the letter. It would have been worse if he had and it had done nothing, or made things worse. He seemed to have tried, at least. "That's all right. It's not an order with a really firm deadline. It's hard to adapt to new routines, especially over only a few days." She hesitated, a hint of a frown touching her lips. "What happened with Sidi?"

"I have a routine that works well...when it's not constantly interrupted." Jeremy ruffled Sidi's fur. "It was either that I allowed him to have sausage or the water in the arboretum pond was slightly toxic. He got sick but Doctor Dhuinn got him fixed very quickly. I've watched to makes sure he doesn't have anything to eat that's not on his approved nutritional list since then and Mister Petrov says the water returned to normal. He's not been sick since."

"Probably not the sausage," Dawn said with half a frown. "I didn't know the pond had been toxic at all. That's a bit worrying." She paused, shifting slightly in her chair. It was a good thing she didn't go to the arboretum to drink. Were the ducks all right? "It doesn't seem like it was your fault, in any case. It's just good that's he's still all right."

She tapped her desk. "I guess your routine has been getting... interrupted a bit, after all." She spread her arms helplessly. "I guess it's pretty hard to work changes into it when you have to deal with trouble. Or counselling." She smiled gently. "Not that those are very different."

Jeremy frowned. "He's under my care. It is my duty to ensure his health and safety. I..." he sighed as he shook his head. "I failed in that duty once already. If it hadn't been Dr. Dhuinn in sickbay, he would be dead and..." Jeremy stopped to blink a few times while he looked down at Sidi. "I'd...he'd..."

Shaking his head he decided the subject change was good after all. "It's becoming frustrating and...affecting my sleep and temperament. I like my routine, it's safe and good and it makes everything work the way it should. I remember a lot better when I follow it."

She knew what that was like - at least a little bit. She had the opposite problem, though. When her routine was disrupted, it usually meant she'd be spending less time alone, or in her quarters. That was definitely a good thing. If there was a way she could have some of Stone's disruptions disrupt her... She shook her head almost invisibly. "Most positions benefit a lot from a solid routine. Security especially, I'd guess. It makes sense That it would have a negative effect, especially if it's constantly disrupted." She furrowed her brow, looking over some of the landscapes on her desk. She wondered if they were straight enough. Now you're catching it, too. "I bet Sidi likes routine, too."

Jeremy shook his head. "The only routine he cares for is his own. To be fed when he wants food, not to take baths, to play at his convenience. He's quite disorganized. I've had a hard time getting him to understand the importance of tidying up after himself."

Dawn couldn't stop herself from smiling. "That's what I meant. His routine probably works for him like yours does for you. And they have a big effect on each other. Your routine probably makes as little sense to him as his does to you." Although dogs probably didn't have prolonged debates about human logic. Did they? "But that doesn't frustrate him somehow. It's pretty amazing."

Jeremy shook his head, scowling. "No, he does get frustrated. He doesn't like our bedtime - when I get to follow it - or much of my nighttime routine. He...complains in his own way about it." He looked at his chrono and sighed. "He's very stubborn. He won't do scent work on the holodeck anymore. He won't do much of anything on the holodeck."

Sidi wasn't getting frustrated just because he didn't understand; he was getting frustrated because he didn't like Stone's routine. That wasn't really the same, but it would be boring to argue. Plus, Stone was scowling again. He liked to scowl. Jeremy "Scowls" Stone. She wondered if Stone ever smiled. "Anymore?" Dawn tilted her head. "You mean he just... stopped?"

"Yes, refuses to do any scent work there. Which I don't understand because he was doing so well. I just can't get him to do any of it there though. Which has limited my ability to train track with him." Jeremy shook his head. "I just don't understand what happened there or what to do to get it back." He shifted as he looked around the room forcing himself to leave things alone. If he started, then he'd have to start with the misaligned rug...which meant moving her desk...which meant organizing it...which meant, well he wasn't sure what that would mean.

That was odd. If Sidi hadn't found the photons and force fields odd to begin with, something must have happened to make him hesitant. "That's strange," she said. She moved from side to side in her chair, her arms folded on the surface on her desk. "When was the last time he was okay training there?"

Jeremy scowled as he briefly looked at Meridian. "He still trains on the Holodeck. He just won't do scentwork there anymore. We were there last night and this morning working to get him ready for his Bridge test. Though he does prefer the arboretum."

She always forgot to qualify things around Stone. Scent training. Not just training. Still... that meant Sidi didn't have a problem with the holodeck itself. It was too bad she wasn't a dog counsellor. If he didn't like the smell of the holodeck, wouldn't that put him off everything? It would have put her off... not that that really meant anything.

Dawn blinked, trying to gather her thoughts. She was reminded again just how strange it was to be counselling someone and their dog at the same time. It seemed like Sidi and Stone had become very much connected since her first session with the yellow-collared man. She'd missed that entirely, and it made her feel... behind.

"Bridge test?" she asked. If Sidi could actually behave himself on the bridge, fewer people would have issues with him. And Stone wouldn't have to argue nearly as much. That could only be a good thing.

"Yes," Jeremy said. "The Captain decided that he has to prove he's not the reason certain people can't do their jobs. He has to prove he's not the reason for their incompetence and that he can go where I go as I was told were the orders and understanding from Holliday. Apparently I didn't understand the joke Holliday and the Captain were playing regarding their understanding of the nature of having a working dog aboard the ship. Apparently their understanding that he was not a pet was merely meant as an amusing aside. A joke that, like most, I didn't get." He knew he was on the verge of outright anger, hostility and insubordination with that speech but...he didn't care. He'd already made up his mind that he was leaving when this mission was done and Saalm and Holliday would just have to find someone else with which to amuse themselves with their total lack of consideration for the entire security department. "Because he got excited about planetary liftoff just the same as every damned other person aboard the ship!"

He closed his eyes and shook his head while clenching his jaws to keep from continuing that line of thought. "I'm sorry," he gritted out, "that was unnecessary and uncalled for." But no less true.

"It's okay," Dawn said, her voice a bit quieter than usual. She finally understood, as much as she could be expected to. The problem with her understanding was that she didn't really know who was 'right' and who was 'wrong' anymore. She didn't like the grey between black and white; it made it hard to decide anything. While Stone's insistence that Sidi was basically an officer with the same capacities as any other was strange, that idea had been planted by a joke at his expense. She wondered if anyone found it amusing now. The captain and - was it Holmes? - ought to have known that something like that would backfire. It was actually a little bit cruel.

And while Stone wasn't exactly right, he wasn't wrong, either. While she didn't really understand what place a dog had on the bridge, filled with consoles and panels that a dog probably couldn't make snout or tail of, if he could behave himself, there wasn't much of a reason for him not to be there. As long as it helped Stone, anyway.

"You're right," she said at last, letting out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding. Was she just making things worse? "It... seems like there's been a bit of a joke at your expense. And... I don't think it's been handled properly." She glanced down. "At least a bridge test shouldn't have too many scents to worry about, I think."

Jeremy glanced at her for several long moments before his gaze slid off her and back to the edge of the desk. He repeated her words in his head, looking for the angle - looking for sarcasm or innuendo or even snark and tone. He wasn't detecting any but...it wasn't possible that she agreed with him. Was it? He trusted Mulgrew because Mulgrew had agreed with him on several key points. He would do nearly anything for McFarlan who was the first to get the ball rolling that allowed him to return to duty and stay in Starfleet.

It was possible that someone would agree with him. Dare he to believe someone might take his side. It was...no. He wouldn't allow himself to have that hope. Hope led to disappointments. Disappointment led to frustration. Frustration led to anger. Anger led to...all sorts of bad things he'd rather not have to deal with - again.

"Can..." he started, then rubbed his head as he swallowed. He tried again and stopped just as quickly. Taking a deep breath, he stared at the floor and muttered, speaking quickly as if rushing would make it easier to ask for a favor. "Can...would you be there when it happens? To help make sure it was fair?"

Dawn's eyes widened. She opened her mouth as if to say something and then closed it just as quickly. Was he... he was asking her for help. It... was certainly a lot nicer than a scowl. She ran a hand through her dark hair, shifting slightly in her chair. She wasn't sure how well she'd even be able to tell if it was fair. Or if anyone would listen to her if she thought it wasn't, for that matter.

But that wasn't about to stop her from trying. "I will," she said quietly. "I can promise to speak up if I don't think it's fair." She offered him half a smile. "I can't promise that it'll make the difference, but I'll do my best." She gave the slightest of nods. "We might disagree a bit about Sidi, but I think he deserves a chance to prove himself, at least."

"Disagree?" he asked, frowning. "We disagree about Sidi?" he asked. "What is there to disagree about, it is a fact of his position. There is nothing subjective about it. You may disagree with the facts but that is not disagreeing with me."

She pursed her lips. The twinge of frustration she felt made her even more frustrated. She could very well argue about what were facts and what weren't, but that sounded beyond boring. If he agreed with the 'facts', and she disagreed with them, then they disagreed. "We argued about him," she said slowly, as much to herself as to him. "That's what I meant."

"No," he said frowning harder. "There was no argument for your position was clearly misinformed. I have corrected that information. You never presented a cogent argument so we did not 'argue'." Jeremy shook his head as he tried to understand her meaning but failed. Why had she believed her ill informed statement regarding Sidi's status presented as an argument, there was no method where it was supported and Jeremy had loads of supporting documentation to prove the fact that he was considered Star fleet, plus there were centuries of precedent set for the idea.

Dawn put her head down on her desk. "There's a difference between arguing and debating," she muttered. "If you'd like me to write an essay on animal sapience and integration, it'll have to be some other time." She stared at a bright field of sunflowers painted in a picture just in front of her. She missed being outside already. Sidi would probably run through them with me, she thought. "I wasn't trying to bring it back up. I was actually trying to put it behind us. If you and Sidi want my help, you have it, for whatever it's worth."

He sighed as he frowned. "A debate is the presentation of arguments in support of two or more differing positions or viewpoints," he muttered. "I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to let you know when the test is scheduled, since I'm coming everyday." he scowled at that while holding the sigh. It wasn't her fault. This time he didn't even think it was his fault. At least, if it was, he would hold his metaphorical head high on it considering the circumstances.

Finally, Dawn lifted her head back off her desk and gave a slow nod. "I suppose that's true," she said. She'd almost forgotten about that. She still wasn't sure what good it would do. Counselling wasn't... instant. It took time to sink in, usually. And sometimes spending too much time with a counsellor could be bad. "On the bright side, it can't be as bad as sensitivity training." She pursed her lips. "I hope."

Jeremy only scowled at that. He wasn't so sure but at least she was trying to work with him and not against him. That was rare. It was, just...she wasn't Mulgrew. "It will be better than that," he said, honestly. "What do we do now?"

Dawn closed her eyes. That was something, at least. It felt like a bit of time had passed already, but they'd really only talked about the mandated sensitivity training and Sidi... among a few other things. "What else have I missed since last time?" she asked as she opened her eyes again. "It feels like a lot has happened since then. Are you worried about the mission at all?" She wasn't quite sure how she'd begin to prepare for even thinking about the Borg form a security point of view. Or if she even wanted to, for that matter.

"Scared?" Jeremy asked. He knew real fear, not the anxiety of the unknown that some people associated as 'fear'. "No. I've been trying to prepare as best I can." With resistance to everything he was trying to do. "I've decided to seek a transfer once this mission is over."

Dawn looked at him for a time with a peculiar expression on her face, her eyes clouded. He was going to seek a transfer? Didn't that mean... She didn't have a lot of time. She didn't have any time, really. How much difference could she really make in that time, given everything that would be happening? Could she do anything?

Her shoulders slumped a little, and her gaze swept downward. "...Why?"

"Because this ship does not want security. This command staff does not want security. They think they can do it all themselves. I won't be responsible for watching people die when it could have been prevented." He watched the edge of the desk as Sidi lay at his feet, his head on his paws and eyes closing. "Because there is nothing I can do with this command staff, they have made up their minds about me. Because..." he shook his head. "Because what they've done is just too cruel for me to ever respect."

Dawn nodded slowly, but not in agreement. It suddenly felt like what she was doing was rather pointless. The ship didn't want security? Who didn't want to be safe? "So you've already made up your mind," she said quietly. "I..." She took a deep breath. "I understand," she finished, somewhat defeatedly. "I think that's about our time for today. I'd ask you to think things over, but..." She smiled weakly. "At least listen to some music, okay? Try not to let things get to you too much."

When Stone had gone, she spun around in her chair and sighed up at the ceiling. It was beginning to become familiar to her, like she thought Stone had been. How long would it be until she too was gone, and the ceiling had a new counsellor to watch over?

[OFF]

Lieutenant (JG) Dawn Meridian
Counsellor
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Jeremy Stone
Chief Security/Tactical Officer
USS Galileo

& Sidi

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