LT(JG) Delainey Carlisle M.D., Ph.D.'s Personal Log - Chief Counselor's Log #3 - Shell Shocked

Posted on 29 Jul 2012 @ 9:22pm by Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle

307 words; about a 2 minute read

Chief Counselor's Personal Log:

This log will be short, as I'm too busy and far too tired to analyze my own state of mind too closely. It seems like just yesterday I was meeting the crew and worrying about whether I had what it took to be this ship's Chief Counselor. Those worries seem hollow now as I take stock of what's happened. Lt. Commander Remington is dead and the Captain has been taken. As a senior officer, I know no one is immune to these kind of events, but if I'm honest with myself, I'm just as shell-shocked by the outcome as the youngest Ensign. Somehow I had deluded myself into thinking service on a science vessel, while perhaps more academically stimulating, would at least be somewhat safer.

I'm cringing at the foolishness of the thought even as it comes out of my mouth, but it's how I feel. Or rather, it's how I felt. I can't possibly think that way anymore, not after what I've seen, not after what I've experienced. I...I'm embarassed by the intensity of my emotional reactions. I'm a doctor and a therapist. I've seen death and I've seen the emotional agony of others thousands of times before, but in that cargo bay and in sickbay afterward, I was rattled, and I'm not sure I covered it at all. What's wrong with me? Am I that rusty?

Perhaps I'm simply kicking myself for not being more prepared. I should have made a point to study Lucalin's physiology more closely. When I saw his nutrient bag was ripped out, I panicked. We were able to get to sickbay in time, but I expect better from myself. In the coming days, the crew will look to me for comfort. I only hope the words I offer will somehow sink in for me too.

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