Personal Log 004 - BEAUMONT

Posted on 19 Aug 2015 @ 8:31pm by Ensign K'os Beaumont

1,060 words; about a 5 minute read

Things are moving too fast for me. I feel like if things don’t slow down, I’ll be pulled apart. Shaken to pieces like an aging civilian freighter caught in the event horizon of a black hole. Pulled and stretched until there’s nothing left.

It’s been seven days since I left Starbase 84 to return to Galileo. I regret leaving the ship to begin with. While my time with Toor helped hone my Vulcan Wh’ltri skills, this past week has shown me that it was a waste of time. Initially, I thought my training would help. I had success on Vega Colony with Toor and two days after I arrived back on Galileo I had the willpower to bring Ellsworth to sickbay for treatment and to eliminate my Plak tow through meditation. But as was the case when I was a child, the Vulcan techniques are exhausting. Toor’s ‘all or nothing’ method has only served to heighten my agitation and have made control and concentration difficult. Dr. Allyndra Warriquim’s warning regarding my worsening blood pressure seems to have manifested.

But not from the bad mind meld with Ellsworth like we initially thought, but from Toor’s method of controlling my hyper-emotionalism. I have been experiencing more extremes in the spectrum of emotion I feel. I have been rude to colleagues, even to the point of nearly opposing a senior officer. I don’t have the kind of control over what emotion I feel at any given time like I did before meeting Ellsworth -- like I did before training with Toor. They just all occur at random now, sometimes all at once. Surely I don’t have to explain how disconcerting it is to feel anger, sadness, joy and serenity all simultaneously over a waffle during breakfast. There is no order or reason to them, as it’s all just chaos. Which prompts me to disconnect like Toor showed me.

But it’s a cycle, isn’t it? A perpetual cycle of extreme highs and lows, to feeling nothing at all. It’s making me feel stretched out. Thin. A part of me wants to seek solace in someone. Ellsworth is out of the question. I sent him a few messages to make sure he was alright and we're still friendly towards each other which is really nice but I can't see him. Not yet. And I do have people I can talk to. Commander Stace always makes herself available to talk. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that all seem to like hanging out with me...yet...

Why do I still feel alone?

[pause in the recording]

Then there's Andreus...I've never met anyone that made me simultaneously feel good about myself and also self-conscious. I would never tell him this, but I can't seem to shake Ellsworth's memories I have of him. The memory of sensations and kisses I've never felt myself. It confuses me. On the one hand, he's a good friend. He's open, and kind and seems to instinctively know how to keep my mind grounded. Most likely because of his medical training. But on the other hand I don't know how he feels about me. Is he this friendly with everyone? Does he want more from me? Not that I'll have much chance to find out. I...took some medication from his quarters the night of the wargames. He invited me to his quarters that evening. I was feeling over-stimulated from the Klingon gala and he suggested going. I was foolish enough to get excited that maybe he wanted to become more intimate friends and maybe explore that avenue of our friendship.

A foolish, and immature thing to think, I know. With everything so...heightened in my mind I made a fool of myself. I got carried away and I said things that upset him. Which isn't uncommon for me to do. Getting carried away with things is just part of being me. But I did this in front of a man I like and admire. The embarrassment I feel...you have no idea the level of guilt and anger I feel towards myself for it. I wanted to help him through something difficult. Like he helped me. The only thing I could think to do was to take stims that were prescribed to him so the temptation to use it was gone. I just needed to help.

He's going to be so mad at me. We haven't talked yet, but surely he would know I took it. As usual I've ruined another friendship.

Anyway...now I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I should be a bit happy.

Three days ago (the day before the wargame with the Klingons), I made the decision to take my final Officer Qualification Exam and officially graduate from Starfleet Academy. Something I had put off doing since leaving the Mississipi last year. It wasn’t an easy decision, and I had to battle through a lot of fear. Ensign Beaumont. The first ensign in the Beaumont family in a very, very long line of enlisted crewmen and petty officers. My dad will be furious when he finds out. [long pause, then a sigh] That’s right...I haven’t told him yet. There just hasn’t been a lot of time. Right after I was promoted we had a Klingon gala -- which was really fun, if a bit overstimulating. Then the wargame was the next day...and well now…

Now, I don’t know. We were heading to Starbase 84 yesterday when our deflector dish malfunctioned. It damaged our ship severally. Loss of power, gravity, propulsion, communications, you name it. I’m currently recording this in a quiet part of engineering right now as my quarters were breached and ruined. It’ll be a weird conversation at this point. Telling my dad that in the span of seven days I’ve sought treatment for a bad meld, graduated the Academy, stole stims from a friend, was promoted to Ensign and due to a severe medical emergency am now the Acting Chief Engineer and handling the worst damaged ship of my career. Yeah, it’s going to be a weird conversation.

Nothing could happen at this point to make it weirder…

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