Home

Posted on 22 Apr 2015 @ 1:12am by Lieutenant JG Emmarie (E'Ma'ri)

549 words; about a 3 minute read

It's funny how many definitions the word "home" can contain. Is it the place you're from? The place your family originated? Or is it merely where you lay down your head at the end of the night?

But sometimes... Sometimes a person feels like home. One moment you're going about your life as normal and you get blindsided on an idle Tuesday by someone who is just as fucked up as everyone else around you. But this person, this beautiful, flawed, wonderful, broken person moves and you move in tune, as though propelled by an unholy force that only the two of you are aware of.

And then your definition of home changes. It's no longer a place but a proximity. A feral need or a passionate need. And it replaces everything that once was important.

Until one day, when you realize that person is flawed. You see every fucked up little detail and it claws it's way into your head and into your heart. It drives a wedge. Sometimes instantly, sometimes agonizingly slowly, but the wedge is there. Other things start to become more pressing. Perhaps it's freedom that has it's intoxicating hold on you, sometimes it's yet another beautiful soul.

Or in the case of Orions, it's a little bit of both.

And then you're alone. Or maybe you're in deeper than ever with another person. But what once was home is no more, and you're struggling to make sense of it all, and you look around at your home and find it completely changed.

I knew my career would involve change. I knew that I would transfer ships a lot, and that the Trinity was merely one stop on the way to a bigger, better future. Still Galileo doesn't feel like home yet, and I'm not sure that any Federation vessel ever will.

How am I to just continue my career after finding out about my family on Deep Space 9? How am I to live my life, never knowing whether or not I might some day walk the same path as my mother?

I work, because work is all I can do. Because relationships involve people so inherently different from me, people who think they can change the heart of what I am, can enforce upon me a life that I'm not designed for.

Maybe that's 'cause I'm green.

Maybe I do have some gene that makes me better at some sort of Syndicate lifestyle than the average Orion. Maybe my heritage is preventing some aspects of "normal" life that are easy to others.

Like... monogamy.

Because it can't be any other thing. It can't be the way I was brought up, the people in my environment. Maybe it's self-sabotage because I've always tried so hard to hav my baser instincts and desires under a tight wrap.

But that doesn't change much. It doesn't change the fact that I haven't made friends yet, or that I have a hard time viewing most people as either conquest or plaything.

Does it even matter in the end, though? Does it really, truly matter what I do with my social life? What accomplishments I have outside of Starfleet?

Somewhere, there is someone who feels the way that I feel.

There has to be....

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