First Night Back...

Posted on 29 Jan 2015 @ 3:18am by Lieutenant JG Drusilla McCarthy

657 words; about a 3 minute read

Computer....Begin encrypted personal log.

.......

There's a song which easily comes to mind when I think about what has happened in the past gone by and what is happening here in the present.

There's a faint silence in the room before a sad and soft voice begins to sing...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpChsMkz9u4&list=PLwJ2He_CyqzNQj14KObJVwvEXtjtmZBUP&index=4

You got your feet squeezed into heels that hurt
Cause they go with the job and they go with the skirt
You gotta look good when you're out there
Climbing ladders

You go above and beyond and then way beyond that
You do it all, yeah, you wear every hat
Hoping someone that matters will realize you matter

But all that really matters is it's Friday
And the sun is shining over my way

Toss your heels in the backseat
Drive home in your barefeet
Throw in that Van Morrison Cd
Chip away a little by little
Til you find your groove

I'll pick up some takeout, we can just hang out
Levis and wine, blankets and lights down
Lay your head right here on my shoulder
And just be you when you're with me
Girl, you got nothing to prove

I could listen all night if you wanna talk
Or we can lay here and say nothing at all
I already know who you are and that I love you

So, baby, take a long deep breath and exhale
Cause all you gotta be tonight is yourself

Toss your heels in the backseat
Drive home in your barefeet
Throw in that Van Morrison Cd
Chip away a little by little
Til you find your groove

I'll pick up some takeout, we can just hang out
Levis and wine, blankets and lights down
Lay your head right here on my shoulder
And just be you when you're with me
Girl, you got nothing to prove
You got nothing to prove

I'll pick up some takeout, we can just hang out
Levis and wine, blankets and lights down
Lay your head right here on my shoulder
And just be you when you're with me
Girl, you got nothing to prove

When we're together you got nothing to prove
You got nothing to prove, you got nothing to prove
You got nothing to prove

As the voice fades out, moments of silence passes before the speaking voice continues...

I've got nothing to prove....I keep trying to tell myself this over and over. This crew, some know me as I was before but none know what I've been through. All I have to do is be the self that I have always been. I am still that person. I still have my knowledge and experience to be a counselor. I still have my body to be a woman....What else do the people need to know?

I exit out of these doors dressed in my uniform with my hair pulled back and a smile on my face, a mask which nobody thinks to look past. It's only when I'm hidden behind closed doors that the truth can come out....I can't let anyone else know what that truth is.

The silent tears shed on a pillow every night, the cascade of memories that threaten to drown me with every waking minute....Nobody can know the truth.

The song is a fiasco in the real world. How can you let your hair down and just be yourself when yourself is somebody to be ashamed of. Why would you invite the looks, the stares, the whispers....Why would I want that for myself? Why would you chip away the shell you've built around yourself, as much to hide other's from seeing the truth as to protect yourself.

It's easier to just stay hidden....To pretend to the outside world that nothing ever happened.

That is the way it has to be.

Computer....End log.

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