Old habits die hard

Posted on 20 Nov 2014 @ 8:25pm by Ensign Jaana Voutilainen

456 words; about a 2 minute read

"Computer start personal log," Jaana started.

"I've done it again." Jaana let out a deep sigh. "It's been such a long time. I really thought I had it under control." she wiped a tear away from her cheek. "This whole thing with Tuula just is too much. On one side I feel guilty for not noticing her situation. But also I have such a hard time accepting what she did." More tears started flowing past her eyes.

"How can she end her pregnancy with an abortion in favour of her career. I just can't understand it. Was she really that desperate? And why didn't she ask for help? She knows that I would have always helped her, no matter what I think about abortion. She is my sister. I would do anything for her."

Her belly was rambling again. She held a hand against it. "I almost forgot how soon I got hungry after doing it. I ate so much earlier. I emptied almost the whole replicator. Pancakes, Doughnuts with frosting, chocolate cake, ice cream," she sighed. "And that was only the first part. Then the fish pie, the casseroles, the cheese omelet and even a pizza Marinara."

She stood up from her chair, combing her hands through her hair. She removed the rubber band she wore earlier. To make it more difficult for herself to repeat her earlier action. "I keep staring at the replicator for more food. But I don't want to eat, because I'm afraid I can't control myself and throw up again."

She kicked the against the chair, releasing some of the anger she felt for herself. "I had gotten so far. Instead of controlling my weight by throwing up after every meal, I managed to eat normal and keep it in. Why am I so weak?" She yelled. "Why will food always be my weakness? It's like an addiction I can't get rid of. But not eating at all isn't a solution."

"I really thought I did it. I thought I was strong enough to beat this." She wiped another load of tears from her cheek. "I really need help. I can't go back to before. That I managed not to throw up for almost a year wasn't enough apparently."

"But I don't want to get help. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk about why I do this to myself. Don't want to reopen all the stuff from high school."

She walked over to the replicator. And stared at it for a while. "Computer, save log" She pushed her fingers over the replicator's operation menu to order a new load of food. Food that she would throw out as soon as she had finished it.

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