Houston, we have a problem.

Posted on 22 Apr 2025 @ 6:17pm by Ensign S'Ers-a M'Lyr'Zor

677 words; about a 3 minute read

Personal log, star date 69423.37 …

"My ongoing attempts at meditation have been met with…opposition from the interloper entity within me. I recall being unable to meditate—or sleep—during our last mission which I will not elaborate on…again I find myself faced again with the inability, although it appears to be content currently to allow my body physical rest. Meditation is not required for a Vulcan to continue functioning; however, it is necessary for maintaining the rigorous mental controls that are the framework of my entire culture.

Long dormant sentiments have been making their way through my consciousness. They are ‘simple’ sensations…fear…anger…desire…I am also experiencing strange episodes in my mind during sleep…are these dreams? Nightmares? It is all quite alien to me."

::clears throat::

"I will continue my attempts to meditate; if nothing else it is providing time to interact with the entity within who has taken liberty to use several faces from my memories. I have seen my father, Soven, whom I have not gazed upon since he left on a ‘business trip’ somewhere just before the Hobus supernova destroyed the heart of the Romulan Star Empire. It was…gratifying to see him again, even only in my mind. I do not believe that was the entity’s intent, for it has never used his face again.

It has also used my mother’s face, which did not illicit any response at all from me, and thus was readily discarded. It has even used my own against me.

It was a fascinating observation of what I might be without the mantle of Surak’s dogma firmly embedded into so many of my thoughts and actions. That Sera is an interesting simulacrum – one that I would find satisfactory to continue engaging with, but that does not appear to be Ket’Cheleb’s strategy for it moved on from that and has now settled on the visage I find not acceptable to see again. Thus far I have been able to adequately suppress my…revulsion, but I do not know how much longer I will find success with such a strategy.

I had suggested that we inform the captain of our collective compromise, but Lieutenant Ullswater was quite vehemently opposed to this plan…her rationale was not quite solid, yet I will not perform an act that could potentially separate us.

So, yet again, I fail to follow the regulations that I swore to uphold. Alas, that will be a problem I will consider at a later stage, but I would be remiss if I failed to note this concern.
My present pre-occupation lies with Lamar. The thought of him desiring Sofie…of calling her mate does not sit well. I am at war with my biological instincts regarding this. I feel quite possessive." He is mine! MINE!

::a momentary pause::

"Hmm…I feel quite covetous of Sofie as well, but I do not desire females in that manner… I am concerned that such a preference could be easily bent given the ongoing whisperings of Ket’Cheleb. Currently, at least, I feel protective of her. She must be defended against his unrequited physical desire for her. This concerns me though…will my yearning for her twist into such a need, too? Meditation would help to logically tease all of this apart; to find solutions to the conundrums I am currently facing…perhaps that is why I am being denied?

Regardless, my ruminations have gone on long enough. I have yet to speak with Lamar since our last encounter with the shuttlecraft. I have bridge duty in 7 minutes; I will, no doubt, see him there at the conn. There will be no time to engage with him, but it will be most…agreeable to be in his presence again. I want him as a Vulcan female…but I must remind myself that he is not Vulcan. I have willingly compromised to please him, but I fear..."

::audible sigh::

"Computer, end log."

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