The Mind of a Martian

Posted on 10 Feb 2014 @ 11:18pm by Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle & Captain Jonathan Holliday

2,008 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: Episode 05 - Solstice
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3 - Counsellor's Office
Timeline: MD44 - 1100hrs

[ON]

Delainey bit her lip as she finished reading Dr. Mott's report. Her planned course of action seemed especially prudent now, but that didn't mean it was going to be easy. No matter how many tough calls she had made over the course of her career for the right reasons, Carlisle wouldn't be the person or the counselor she was if she didn't step back and consider the consequences first.

In this case, Delainey had to strike a balance between attending to her professional obligations and preserving the relationship with the person in question. Preserving a reasonably positive relationship with people was always important to her, but it was especially critical now, given the future implications.

Her mind made up, she sent a polite, but to the point note, and then she waited.

John sighed as his internal comms bleeped. Someone had thought this the best of times to drop a message to the overly stressed Captain, and his only desire was to get it out of the way quickly. Reading the content, he sighed once again and tapped his combadge.

=^=Holliday to Carlisle....I see you have some interest in my mental wellbeing Counsellor?=^=

=^=Always, sir. I'd like to see you as soon as possible , per my memo.=^=

Sighing, the CO closed the comm channel and dejectedly made his way to the turbolift, making the short trip to the Counselling offices where he knew the Lieutenant would be waiting for him. With another sharp exhale of breath, he knocked the chime and waited for a response.

The doors opened automatically in response to his chime, and Delainey was indeed waiting for him, leaning just against her desk. "Hello, Captain. Thank you for coming so promptly." She gestured for him to take a seat in one of the many chairs she had in her sitting area. "May I get you something from the replicator?"

"No thank you Lieutenant." The Captain replied, moving towards one of the chairs and settling relatively uncomfortably into the space.

"I presume this is the talk I've been trying to avoid?"

Delainey's expression remained neutral, but inwardly, she was surprised by Holliday's candor. Of course, they both knew he had been avoiding his evaluation and there was even an official paper trail to prove it, but she hadn't expected him to acknowledge his feelings so easily. Carlisle expected him to explain his avoidance away by citing more pressing matters or some other reasonable, but not entirely plausible excuse.

"I'm prepared to go at your pace, sir, as long as you're making an effort," Carlisle offered simply. "For purposes of your eval, may I call you Jonathan? I find it's best to drop titles in this room."

In truth he would have preferred to stick with "Captain Holliday". Being able to hide behind his rank gave some much needed comfort in these sorts of situations. Nevertheless he had to at least try to get through this.

"I...suppose I could drop rank this once. For the duration of this meeting."

"I find it helps people speak more openly about their thoughts and feelings if they're not constantly worried about how they're presenting according to rank and position," Carlisle reiterated, judging by his reaction that it would be a good place to start. "I'm wondering how you feel about the prospect of opening up while conscously putting rank and position aside?"

"Less than forthcoming." Replied the captain in a monotone voice. He had never been comfortable being the subject of a counsellor's gaze - he felt like for the entire duration he was nothing more than a problem to be solved, an enigma to be unravelled, not a person.

"Nevertheless - if you feel it would allow you to be more effective in your job role then I am happy to do so. Please - begin."

It didn't escape Delainey's notice that Jonathan was approaching this eval rather clinically, seemingly expecting her to run some sort of scan or perhaps ask some questions that only she knew the right answers to, secretly delighting in his failure. His words and his tone suggested he was anxious but trying to simply endure. Not having had much contact with Holliday before his encounter with the Borg, she wasn't sure how much of his reaction was him, residual from his assimilation, or the situation. She felt a pang of protectiveness toward him.

"The last thing I want to do is force something upon you which makes you uncomfortable," Delainey replied. "Captain Holliday is just fine."

She pressed forward. "Just in case you're apprehensive about this, Captain, let me assure you that you won't have to recount what you went through for purposes of this eval. Many people think remaining on duty depends upon their ability to open up a vein on command, so to speak. If I wanted people to do that, metaphorically speaking, I would have been a drama coach, not a therapist. Other people approach counseling as though it were a punishment or an indication they're broken, as if they're to blame somehow. That's truly not how I see this. Any reaction you're experiencing, whether it's difficulty sleeping or flashbacks, for instance, is a perfectly normal response to an entirely abnormal event. All I ask is that you be honest with me about what you're dealing with, so we can talk about how you can best manage them."

John was perplexed by her statement of 'what you're dealing with' - as far as he was concerned, what he had to deal with was a new ship, a new rank, numerous dockmasters and engineers demanding his attention, and in between all of that, a counsellor who seemed to want him to spill his emotional guts.

"Very well...what I am...dealing with, as you so put it, is the usual stresses and strains of assuming command of a Starship. Getting this ship ready to get back into space is no mean feat as I'm sure you are aware."

Delainey paused, considering his response. Was he trying to deflect attention from any trauma related symptoms he may be dealing with, or was he truly not bothered by what happened to him? The latter she found hard to believe, but then again, it was not uncommon for reactions to trauma to be delayed weeks, months, or even years after the event. "And your capture by the Borg? How has that figured into the degree of stress you're under?"

John remained silent as she asked the question - the one that everyone had asked but so far nobody had gotten an answer to. How was the captain supposed to answer? On the one hand, he was a Starfleet captain in command of a starship, and to show such weakness would not help his cause of convincing the Galileo that he was suitable to sit in the big chair.

But there was the other side of the coin - the fact that the Borg had taken everything from him - his memories, his personality, his individuality, had all been swollen up by their all-encompassing will, and he had been left little more than a puppet.

With a sigh, John brought his hands together in his lap, and conceded defeat.

"My....experiences with the Borg have been difficult for me to process, yes. I can't forgive them for what they did - I read all the accounts, from Picard onwards of anyone that survived assimilation and I cannot see how they came to terms with it. They violated me, broke me....and I do not see how I can ever get over that fact."

"Perhaps it's not about getting over it," Delainey offered gently. "Though I wonder...is it the fact you were violated that bothers you or the feelings that come with it?" Facts couldn't be altered, but feelings changed all the time.

"I am a starfleet captain, not an automaton. They took everything away from me. That, lieutenant, is what I do not appreciate."

John clenched his fist as he thought back on that moment a drone pierced his flesh with its tubules and saw his world disappear in the blink of a transporter beam. From that moment until the second he woke up again in sickbay covered in surgical bandages, he had been nothing more than a tool.

"Lack of appreciation is what someone feels when he doesn't get a thank you for a gift," Carlisle pointed out, pushing Holliday to verbalize the feelings that his body was already expressing. "It's ok to focus on your feelings, Captain, and to use whatever words you need to."

John took a moment to steady himself, taking a deep breath and holding it before releasing it in one long burst.

"I hate them. Every last drone, I hate them for what they did to me, and with a moment's notice I would watch every one of them die in retaliation for what they took from me. What I will never get back."

Delainey nodded silently and after taking a beat, she offered, "You have every reason to think and feel exactly as you do given what you've been through. A person doesn't go through this type of violation without being angry and being traumatized. No one can change what happened to you, but I can help you learn how to cope with the aftermath. That starts by doing what you just did, which is expressing how you really feel right now as a man, without avoiding or minimizing it. Avoidance of painful things is understandable, but the harder you fight to keep all that in, the more likely it is that you'll continue to feel stuck and overwhelmed by it."


"So what do you suggest Lieutenant? I can't exactly leave the ship and go off on a voyage of self discovery whilst the Galileo launches into space. I need something to sort this cast so I can return to duty."

John was equally infuriated that he was now being stopped from doing his duties to the best of his abilities because of one alien encounter. The Captain simply wanted to file this away in the back of his memory and move on, but somehow he didn't think it would be anywhere near that simple.

"Then it's a good thing you have a counselor who will travel with you on-board, isn't it?" Delainey returned evenly, not taking his frustration personally. "I'm encouraged, Captain. Coming to terms with this experience is just as much about acknowledging your biases as it is about dealing with your symptoms. You can't be objective about the Borg right now, or maybe ever. I know that, but more importantly, I know you know that. An effective leader is one who is aware of his blindspots."

"Very well Lieutenant I shall...place myself into your care. Now - is there anything else that you expect to gather from this session? I have a meeting with the Quartermaster's office pending and I expect it will not go smoothly."

John was secretly glad that there had been some degree of what a counsellor would call "progress". He had no intention of letting his past affect his future, even if it had been somewhat of a traumatic experience.

Delainey shook her head. "We've covered enough for today's session, sir, but I'd like to see you again next week. Shall I have my yeoman set something up, or do I have your commitment you'll be in touch by tomorrow?" Delainey's words referenced Holliday's earlier resistance to following up on sickbay's recommendations.

"Next week is fine. We keep this between us though, agreed?"

John was glad that this appointment was coming to an end, however much he hadn't enjoyed having to bare his soul he felt like it might have actually done him some good.

"Of course, sir," Delainey replied with a nod. "I'll expect to hear from you tomorrow and we'll set up for next week."


[OFF]
***

Lieutenant Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Counselor/Medical Officer
USS Galileo

CAPT Jonathan Holliday
Commanding Officer
USS Galileo

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