Shrink rap [18+]

Posted on 19 Feb 2014 @ 2:52am by Lieutenant Jared Nicholas & Commander Scarlet Blake
Edited on on 20 Feb 2014 @ 6:05pm

2,429 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 05 - Solstice
Location: San Francisco - CNS Office
Timeline: MD -03

[ON]

Jared pinched the bridge of his nose. He hadn't slept since he had been rescued from the Borg ship. He knew of course that it was irrational but he had feared that he would go to sleep and wake up as part of the Collective and once more lose his individuality. He would never let that happen to himself again. He would kill himself before he did so. His worst fear, his worst nightmare come true.

But lack of sleep would eventually kill him or drive him mad anyway. So he had but little choice. He needed to talk to a Counselor.

He stood in front of her door and hesitated only slightly before pressing the chime for admittance.

"Come in," Scarlet called out lightly, pouring herself another cup of coffee as she sat on her desk, sliding the page down on the PADD she was reading.

Jared walked slowly, almost cautiously into the room.

Scarlet gave a small smile as she stood slowly, letting out a long breath. "Come on in, Lieutenant. Can I get you anything?"

"How about some cold pomegranate juice?" he asked "I could use a good stiff drink, but I'll settle for juice. It is a little early for booze."

"Not to mention I'd probably lose my job for giving it to you in my office," Scarlet smiled knowingly, moving to get them both some pomegranate juice before moving to the sofa, setting them carefully on the low table. "Come and get settled, and you can tell me what's on your mind."

Jared blew out a long breath through his nose as he moved to the couch and took a seat. He took a sip of his drink and decided to get right to the point. "I haven't slept since I was rescued from the Borg. I have... I have been to afraid of not waking up or maybe I should say I have been too afraid to wake up and not be me anymore."

Scarlet nodded with understanding, sitting back and crossing her legs as she watched him with a steady gaze. "What do you remember of the experience?"

"Very little and all too much wrapped up in a nice little package,"Jared replied dryly.

"I remember being captured, I remember waking up strapped to some infernal gurney and see other members of the crew. I remember fighting like Hell to try to hang on to me, My self, my personality and things slipping away from being. It was like I was losing my sanity.

Then there were these voices in my head, It seemed like 1,000 voices and just one all at the same time. It is really rather hard to explain really. But those memories are jagged and disjointed, there really isn't much concrete there, just kind of a blind horror.

Then I woke up in Sick Bay."

Scarlet nodded slowly as he tried to put it all into words, frowning as she tried to take it in as much he tried to express it. "Has it been a struggle afterwards? To - readjust to individuality again?" she asked softly. People often spoke of the fear of losing individuality. The possibility that it was then a struggle to go from many voices back to only one was something of a taboo.

'In a way, I guess you could say that," he confessed. "I have a rather colorful background and history. All that is coming back and probably another reason I can't sleep. I'm afraid of the nightmares."

"Have you had any yet?" she asked quietly, leaning forward as she rested her elbow on her knee and her chin in her hand. "What happens in them?"

"Not recently," he sighed, "I've not slept, but I've had them before and they can be pretty bad. Most nightmares , from what I've heard are about things that might happen, my nightmares are about what did happen.

In those nightmares, I am a young teenager again. Trying to keep my brothers alive and being forced into being a rent boy, by the Orions. You do know what a rent boy is don't you Counselor?"

"Yes," Scarlet replied with a frown, nodding slowly. "I'm afraid I do. A male prostitute," she held his eyes, regret in her own. "I am sorry you had to go through that, Jared. But I also know that you would do anything to keep your brothers safe. If I were you, I would have too."

"It was the only choice I had," he agreed, "It kept them from being used by some of the more aggressive and kinky patrons, but unfortunately not from the trade altogether. However in the long run, it didn't help any. They both died and I am fairly sure Heath's death was suicide."

Scarlet leant forward, touching his knee gently, holding his eyes. "It did help. They knew, no matter what, that there was someone in this universe who loved them and looked out for them. That means a lot in life."

"I know that is what you're supposed to say. You're a counselor after all. And perhaps in some way you're right. But you weren't there. You didn't see the look in their eyes. The fear, the pain.

But for all the agony that I went through, the terror, the sleepless nights. I would trade that hell for the hell of feeling nothing or maybe everything."

"It's yours," she said quietly, nodding with understanding. "You're right, I didn't see them, but I know how much it would mean to have family willing to look out for you, whether it worked or not," she said firmly, watching his face as she squeezed his knee. "You know it's not your fault, right?"

"Yes, of course I do." he replied, "I know it in here," he paused pointing at his head, "But knowing i here," he paused again, pointing at his heart, "but knowing it here, is something else.

Most of the times I try not to remember those days, they are too depressing. But sometimes, I am forced to remember.

"Sometimes it's better to not bury those sorts of things," Scarlet suggested gently. "When you bury it and forget it, it festers deeper. If you can talk about it, it can help you sort out what you think and feel about what happened and lay it to rest."

He leaned back into his chair his arms folded across his chest. "I.. I don't know. I came in here to talk about the Borg, not, not THAT. I've only told a few people and none of them all the details. I don't think I want to relive everything. It is too, well hard. What exactly would I have to do?"

"Just talk, about whatever comes to mind, and I can guide you through it if you need," Scarlet said softly. "It came out here. Something's obviously brought it back. You said you were scared of nightmares if you sleep, and yet it seems to be nightmares about that that's worrying you, not nightmares of the Borg. Have I misunderstood?"

" I guess in some ways its both and I thought I had said that. The main reason is because I'm afraid that I will wake up and not be me. But you had asked how I was adopting. "I'm doing okay, but I have fear of waking up back in the bed of someone I don't want to sleep with."

Scarlet nodded gently as she thought it over. It was clear that both traumas were colliding, as the first was still unresolved deep down inside him. "In a way, the two experiences had similarities," she said softly, leaning to him. "In both cases, you were forced to become a part of group you had no wish to be in. You were controlled in one way or another. And you were forced to do things that you had no wish to do," she said quietly, to help him understand the connection.

"Yes, I suppose there is that connection, I didn't think of that. I guess it all began when I woke up to the sound of my brother screaming that we were under attack and it kind of went downhill from there. I was only 12 when, when I was first forced to, how do I say this, perform fellatio."

Scarlet watched him, her features calm but there was pain in her eyes for his experience. "With no choice, no understanding. You must have been so frightened," she said quietly, to encourage him to think about the effect of what had happened.

He sat back in the chair crossing his arms, his hands grasping the opposite shoulders as if to protect himself and put up a barrier around himself. "Terror would just began to describe it. I wasn't really mature for my age and at the time I was rather innocent, I'd never seen someone hard before, I had no idea what I was doing and I sure as hell didn't want to be doing it. It was just my Orion master, not a client, but he expected me to be perfect at it. He wasn't exactly the most gentle of teachers."

Jared's voice had grown cold, almost clinical and his eyes had hardened.

Scarlet watched him, the pain inside of her for all he'd been through twisting tighter. She took a soft, calming breath though, her face still to prevent it showing. "Is he one of the things you still dream about?"

He looked back at her, blinking his eyes rapidly for a few seconds as he got his emotions under control. "Sometimes," he confessed, "But fortunately not often. Though I will sometimes have, I don't know flashbacks, when I'm WITH another guy. Especially if its the first time."

Scarlet nodded gently at that, tilting her head as she watched him with concern. "Do you get them at other times too? During the day, out and about?"

"No, not anymore. I don't even dream about it much anymore. Only when something triggers the memory. It can... cause... performance problems." This hadn't been something that he had intended to talk to her about. He'd come in solely because of the Borg issue. He hadn't really talked to anyone about this. Not in depth anyway. But it felt good in a way to talk about it.

She nodded with understanding, leaning in a little to him. "How is your appetite and sleeping in general?" she asked gently. Although it seemed like a slight subject change, there was a direction in her questions.

I'm actually a little hungrier than normal. As to sleep patterns, well until the whole thing with the Borg, they were pretty normal. Maybe every three or four months I'd have a nightmare about what happened when I was a kid, but I usually just dealt with it. Only once or twice a year did it get so bad that it interrupted my sleep pattern. Why?"

"Do you know much about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?" she asked gently, but watched him intently to see his reaction.

"Sure I've heard of it, heard the term anyway. Never paid much attention to it though. Why do you think I'm suffering from it?"

"It can cause symptoms in people from all sorts of traumas, not just combat, which it is, perhaps, best known for," Scarlet explained gently. "It can cause nightmares, flashbacks at a particular trigger like a sound or smell, anxiety, depression, interaction and interpersonal difficulties especially with a lover, sleep and appetite problems. Some of it can really feel quite physical when it's bad or when someone's going through a difficult patch, headache, sweating, nausea..." she watched his face to see if there was any recognition in any of it.

He tried to keep himself from fidgeting, but he was a linguist not an Intel operative he was pretty sure he wasn't very successful. A length he said. "Is that treatable and would it get me discharged?"

She leant to him, smiling gently. "Jared, it's treatable. And it won't get you discharged unless the symptoms become unmanageable. It seems like you are managing at the moment, but it would be nice to help you manage better, don't you think?" she shook her head gently. "So you can feel better about yourself. So if you are experiencing those things, you don't need to worry about being honest about it. If anything, it means you can get the help you need."

"I'm tired of trying to cope with this and try to hold it together on my own. I am hardly a basket case. I've been doing a pretty good job of coping, but I don't want to just cope. I want to beat this.

I really need your help Do. How do we get started?"

"Weekly or fortnightly counselling sessions," she offered out, watching for a reaction. "We will talk about what happened, go over it, how it affects you now. We'll explore ways to separate then from now, and to understand that you can't change your feelings, but you can change how you deal with them and how much you let them affect the present. If you suffer from depression we could also look at some medications, but I don't think that's what you need. I think you need to know you took charge of this yourself."

"I think the counseling sessions are a great idea and I agree, I don't need any medication, I am not depressed. I sometimes have to control my anger, I find it easy to fly off the handle if i'm not careful, but I do have that under control.

I think that's about all for me now, unless you have 'homework' for me."

Scarlet nodded as she thought it over. "I want you to start thinking about your emotions day to day. Write it down if it's easier to keep track. I'm not talking every single little thing, but just...start to connect what is going on around you with the swings of anger or nights with bad dreams. Okay?"

"Of course, I can do that. And I really appreciate this."

"Then that's all. You're free to go. Get lots of rest and eat well, rest and energy will help keep your coping mechanism up," she assured, standing to offer her hand to him.

"Well let's hope I don't have a return of the nightmares. I will let you know if I do."

[OFF]

CMDR Scarlet Blake
First Officer (Chief Counsellor at time of post)
USS Galileo

Lt. Jared Nicholas
Linquist
USS Galileo

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