Honed, Hemmed In III

Posted on 30 Apr 2013 @ 10:35am by

2,037 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo: LTjg Maenad Panne's Office
Timeline: MD6 1930 Hours

ON:

"No," she said, "I am fine." Maenad uncrossed her legs and folded one beneath her so that she was sitting on her foot. "I just don't like that she stresses you so much. Just because she is unbonded doesn't mean they're trying to arrange marriage," she reassured. "She probably would have told you."

"That would be the sensible thing," Liyar said. He observed her, changing positions, and shook his head. He could feel it take flight in his chest and sink, the pale, foreign Terran emotions were no less mysterious. Had Naskisem said something else to her? Worse; was it unrelated at all, a thought that made him uncomfortable. Something he knew nothing about, that she would not discuss. Or was it him? Her motivations often eluded him, especially recently. Was this part of it? "You believe that you are losing something. I do not understand."

Maenad smiled, hiding her eyes with one of her hands for a second. She shook her head then, looked at him. "No," she said, but then tilted her head. "I don't approve of arranged marriages, Liyar." She paused, looking forward again. "I wouldn't want to lose you," she said. "And I wouldn't be able to beat you at Velocity anymore," she teased, grinning wryly.

Liyar's eyes shifted to the side. "Yes, I see it now. The real reason you tolerate me," he said back solemnly. He waited until she stopped fidgeting before speaking again. "You will not lose me. I understand why it is done. Why my family would do it, but that will be my choice. They cannot force me." He sat up, folding his hands together in front of him, he leaned his weight on his elbows casually. "I shall have to practice my game."

She smiled and slowly blinked, looking down at her knees. "Do you, do you need help?" she asked him slowly, then turned to look at him. "Is it," she wanted to be delicate as she knew this was not an easy subject for him, "is it that bad?"

Liyar closed his eyes momentarily. For many seconds he was silent. "I am not normal," he answered her honestly. "I do not think the same way. I do not feel the same way. That frightens others. My people, we are built with an ingrained sense of distrust for that which is different. We preach Infinite Diversity, but that concept does not live in our instinctive minds. People do not trust me. They think I am insane. Whether or not it is that bad is a matter of perception."

"I know all of that," Maenad replied quickly. "But do you need to be treated, would you be...?" She didn't know how to say it, of even if this were an appropriate conversation to have. "Just because you are different does not mean that you are ill," she stated the obvious, then sighed. "Are you actually sick, Liyar?"

He let out a slow breath. "I do not know how to answer that question," he finally said. "Yes, I am - there is something wrong with my mind, yes," he settled on. "It does not function normally. I have been treated the majority of my life," Liyar was uncharacteristically hesitant. He didn't realize that the same emotions Maenad had felt earlier were replicating their Vulcan counterparts within him. They were deeper, mixed sorrow and regret, watching something fade, flowers sinking in their watery graves. These discussions never went well. "I am not dangerous, I am not crazy."

"That's not what I meant," she said calmly. "I know you aren't dangerous, or crazy," she smiled. "Maybe crazy," she joked. "But definitely not dangerous." She stuck out her chin, keeping her lips together. "I don't think you're abnormal. I like you just the way you are, but if you don't think that you're well, then maybe you should give Naskisem a second thought." Maenad shrugged a little bit. "You have nothing to lose."

"How do I explain?" Liyar said, in a tone of voice suggesting he hadn't meant to speak aloud. He was tense, the muscles in his shoulders bunched and knotted. "How she wants to help me, it is extremely personal. It is something that I might have relied on T'Yron for. Not a stranger, not someone who does not see beyond her own perceptions of me. She does not see me. It is an intimate process, and it would be empty. Meaningless. I sensed her. Her belief that she is pure and I am weak. Her world is consolidated into two points. Vulcan and unvulcan. There are no people. I would lose," he said resolutely. He didn't trust her. He didn't trust her, and he couldn't bear the thought of opening his mind to her. Nails on a chalkboard, intolerable. She incensed him, she did not calm him. He found far more peace sitting on Maenad's couch directionlessly.

She gradually shifted her gaze down into her lap and thought for a moment. "Could I help you?" she asked without fully meaning it. She would do anything to help him, but what she could actually do, she had no idea. She had problems of her own; her skin and expressions were largely just shells that hid what was going on in her mind most of the time. Her blankness was a reflection of her torn insides, but she could never say that. She would probably make him worse. And she wasn't telepathic at all. Naskisem seemed to be more at peace than either of them, and she knew what she was doing. But, it was his choice.

Liyar's eyebrows flew up. "I am not certain," he said, his surprise evident. "Such a connection outside of the bond would no doubt alarm you. I would not seek to give you that burden, Maenad. I am all right. I have lived with this for my entire life," he reassured her.

"Then why this sudden urge to fix you?" she sounded like her were pleading. "I don't understand."

"I do not know," Liyar said, rolling his right shoulder vaguely. "I do not understand it either, Maenad. If I had a better answer, I would give it. Perhaps you are correct, and it is my unbonded state which is prompting this. If that is the case, Naskisem will be disappointed."

Maenad sat in silence for a long time listening to the music quietly playing in the background. The lamplight made everything warm - it was the only light in the room other than from the stars. She turned to look at Liyar, whose features were exaggerated by shadows, and she thought that he looked good. She slowly exhaled through her nose and sunk further into the cushions, feeling a nap coming on.

Liyar gradually shifted backwards until his back touched the couch again, resting his hands idly in his lap. Trance-like somnolence radiated from Maenad and into him. Opulent, light-footed carbon copy prints peeled from one another, out of the walls, featherweight weariness. Comforting in its own way, he let their silence fill the void. They remained that way until Liyar's timesense started to blend. Maybe he slept. The minutes were lazy and faraway. He looked over at Maenad, who might have been asleep. "Did you wish to rest?" he asked. Usually he left when he felt nap-time emotions.

"No," she said. "I'm just tired," Maenad said. It was too early to go to bed, and she was in her office where she couldn't really get a good sleep. She hadn't realised it until today that these away missions every single day were exhausting. Neglecting the hypos for her anemia wasn't helping and by now, after three days of consecutive day-long missions she was feeling it - and it showed. Maenad turned her head to study him in the yellow lamplight. Her eyes touched his at his jaw, neck, shoulders and arms. After a moment she hushedly asked,"Why did you come back to tell me about Naskisem?" There was a serene gentleness to her voice.

She was ill, he knew, and he should have left her to rest. She needed it. It would have been the sensible thing, but he couldn't bring himself to move from his spot on the couch. Lazily, he mapped the long line and angles of her body, memorizing her in the same enigmatic way he always did. Skin and bones, empty shells. Meaningless, monstrous puppetry. Emptiness, that she wouldn't admit to anyone, but it consumed her self-perception. He blinked, and rubbed his wrists. He saw more than that. Monsters were shadows. He would stay and chase them away. To him, she had the grace of a folded crane, deliberate, crafted. He became aware in increments that she was observing him. He didn't bother looking away as she turned to face him. Noticing him. "It seemed to be the reasonable thing to do," he replied irreverently. "I did not want you to remain confused."

Maenad lifted her other leg off the floor and folded it sideways beneath herself, like the first. She nestled into the corner of the couch. "I appreciate it," her smile was thankful. She was going through a lot of stress that she hadn't thought about. Stone's death, her near-death on Rojar I, her health, the quiet suggestions from her teams that she was somehow unqualified, people speculating on what she did with her spare time - it all was piling up and eating away at her. "I feel like you're the only one on this ship who really likes me sometimes," she told him quietly, without really knowing why. Her eyes became wet at the thought made aloud. "I'm glad you're my friend."

"Whether or not others show you the respect you are due, you are not incompetent, or unqualified. Their behavior is their problem." He had been there in the transporter room yesterday, when Lirha Saalm immaturely refused to explain Stone's death - one of Maenad's colleagues and a senior officer. Liyar sat up and placed his hand against Maenad's forearm, felt the chill of her skin. He gave a gentle squeeze. His actions said more than words could. He was grateful for her friendship, she was important to him.

What was nice about Liyar, she thought, was that he was about as a real as a friend could get. He was always there not because he pitied her, and he never just put up with her, either. He cared. He was Vulcan, but he cared. And he knew that when she spoke to him she spoke from the heart and without ulterior motives; when she said that she wasn't liked, she wasn't looking to be complimented, she was sharing her feelings and that was all. She looked down at his hand on hers and she smiled warm smile, even in the shadowy light he could tell that it was. With her other hand she set on top of his and held it there.

"After the other day," she said quietly, not a whisper but almost, "When I kissed you," she went on, "well, I was worried that you might not want to be around me anymore." Maenad paused, and looked at him. At some point she had sat upright a little more, which meant that she was being honest, that what she was saying deserved a little respect. "I am glad that I was wrong."

Liyar nodded, placing his hand back on his lap. He listened, her words and thoughts turning over tiles in his brain. "Indeed. I do not find friendship to be an arbitrary notion. I would not cease spending time with you for that," he said. It was obvious that he still didn't know quite how to take it, but he didn't seem to blame her or find it awkward. Perhaps because he didn't quite know how to take it, or what it meant. His conversation with Anera only left him more confused, if anything.

OFF:

Lieutenant (JG) Maenad Panne
Chief Science Officer, SSC
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Liyar
Diplomatic Officer, VDF/SDD
USS Galileo

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