Personal Log 005

Posted on 31 Oct 2012 @ 9:01pm by Lieutenant Commander Pola Ni Dhuinn M.D.

782 words; about a 4 minute read

Computer...begin log.

So here we are....somehow still alive. I'm still trying to figure that one out, it's a funny thing for a Doctor not to be able to figure out how people are still alive. Their heart still beats, their lungs still take air in and out and some would believe that their soul, the essence of their life, is still there.

*the sound of a strained laugh echoes through the room*

It's funny...in the 10 years of my career, since the day I started at the acedemy, I've never developed serious feelings for anyone. Maybe it was because my emotions where centred on the passing of Mathair Chriona that perhaps I never allowed myself to feel anything else?

The last mission...it felt like I was pushed beyond my limitations. Coming onboard as ACMO, within 48 hours becoming CMO, within days becoming second officer and then having to act as XO when the Captain was kidnapped. I'm 28 years of age...most people are lucky enough to experience that before then turn 40, not before they turn 30. I felt lost over it all...at the end of the day I am only 28.

Is it wrong that now it's all over I just want to go back to CMO? That I feel overwhelmed? I mean Ithink I did ok...Ok I nearly blew up the ship when we brought Amril onboard but even Jonathan said that my decisions were fine and justifiable. I don't know....I just want to be able to concentrate on being a CMO. It's been my ambition for years, I'd like time to enjoy it and experience it, not to be rushed through...

Oh my god...listen to me...I can't even seem to stay on one path, on one pattern

This is a personal log right?

Well I guess I have something personal to right about....

There's this guy...

*sound of laughter in the room before a body can be heard falling against the bed mattress*

How cliched does that sound? It even sounds funny where is say the words...There's this guy...I feel like saying he's cute and funny but those are wrong. He's definitely funny...but his humour makes me blush instead of laugh.

Cute is far too girly a word and he is definitely not girly...Hansom? Gorgeous? Hunky?

Oh god...listen to me!! I sound like a girl talking about her first crush.

Despite my attempts to avoid staring at his body when he removed his top for some repairs I needed to carry out on his shoulder. But I mean..how could I not look? Least of all...I needed to ensure I was pointing the dermal regenerator in the right direction.

He had his strange tattoo on his shoulder...a tribe design I think? The pattern it following, it kept drawing my eye...despite his ease, his humorous manner, his body and tattoos showed a different story. He's a man you'd want on your side in a fight. But..his eyes...when I looked in his eyes I felt as if I would end up becoming lost.

*silence before the sound of a muffled scream could be heard. A few moments later, Pola's deep breathing could be heard*

I don't do this whole going ga ga over a guy. I don't understand it...I really don't. Maybe it's that underlying strength I keep seeing? Maybe the vulnerability...the distant look he gets when he seems to be recollecting memories which seem to have scarred him inside. Or maybe it's how he's not afraid to express his gratitude.

When I help somebody I usually get a smile and a thanks but with him, his whole face lights up and he almost falls over himself with expressing his gratitude. A smile procedure any good Doctor would have known and should have known, seems to have relieved him of a pain he's been suffering for sometime. When the awareness hit him that I had found a solution and he saw a difference in the first course of treatment, I thought he might have been about to hug me...I kinda wished he had.

* audible sigh*

Ok..I'm going to sleep before I drive myself any more nuts over this. Good nights sleep should help clear my head, maybe figure out why I seem to have devolved and then I can take it from there. This situation must be recoverable...I hope it is. I'm not sure Jonathan would still trust me as the ship's CMO if this keeps up, who would want a bumbled idiot treating their injuries?

*audible laugh before the command to dimm the lights is heard*

Computer..End Log.

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