Missing The Forest For The Trees

Posted on 08 Mar 2014 @ 10:23pm by Ensign K'os Beaumont & Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson

4,167 words; about a 21 minute read

Mission: Episode 05 - Solstice
Location: Conservatory of Flowers - San Francisco
Timeline: MD 56 - 1100

[ON]

The sun beamed brightly on to the grounds of Golden Gate Park. There were more people around than there was last time K'os was here. The colours surrounding the Conservatory of Flowers were just as vibrant as he remembered. His brown satchel hung from his shoulder lazily, though it seemed weighed down more than usual as if he was carrying something heavy. His dark green t-shirt seemed a natural colour amongst the plants. He waited at the doors for Ellsworth. The last time he was here it was also to meet the Betazoid. They had discussed the plans for acquiring the batteries and parts for the power system in the new bar module. He was glad Ellsworth had picked here for one last day together. Shoreleave was ending, and both crewman were busy getting themselves prepared for launch.

Ellsworth could "feel" K'os a block away, and it made him smile instinctively. It was becoming increasingly easy to pick him out from a crowd, especially since their night together in Tycho City. In a sea of thousands of people, he could pick him out instantaneously as the young man now shined as bright as a star; sometimes he thought he actually saw a glow around him.

Knowing he was already waiting for him caused Ellsworth to break into a jog then a sprint and finally a full run. He was a little breathless by the time he bounded up the steps to the entrance and slammed into the wall of muscle that was K'os, who as usual moved only about a half step back from the impact. Ellsworth had his arms wrapped tightly around him, grinning and breathing heavily into K'os' shirt, and he refused to let go for several moments. He clung to him until his breathing returned to normal and even then let go only reluctantly. The grin never left his face.

"You look so handsome today," Ellsworth said, drawing a teasing finger along K'os' jawline as the grin finally started to fade into a smile.

"Thank-you." K'os always thought Ellsworth looked great, so didn't think it necessary to say anything. He had anticipated the embrace, though still seemed distracted by the smell of orchids from a small artificial pond behind him. The calm reception was in contrast to the enthusiasm Ellsworth displayed. He turned and affectionately rested his arm on the other's shoulder as they walked towards the entrance.

Unlike the other man, Ellsworth didn't have the benefit of controlling his exuberance so he was practically skipping along next to K'os. He was enjoying his work and liked serving in Starfleet well enough, but these were the moments he looked forward to the most. So much so that he often had a hard time not dominating the entire conversation spilling out all the things he'd wanted to tell K'os since the last time they'd seen one another.

"Do you remember this place?" Ellsworth asked, leaning into the walking embrace and slipping his own arm around K'os' torso. "Ugh, I was having such a bad day then... I hardly even noticed you. Those beautiful eyes, your adorable smile, that firm butt." He let his hand slide down to squeeze said butt and grinned mischievously before pressing on. "Anyway, I wanted to come back here - together - so we can have a positive experience here. It's just too beautiful for any memory of it to be...less than perfect."

K'os recalled the day in question. He remembered different things from that day, mainly sights and sounds that had elicited emotions. He could recall everything from the texture of the wooden seat they had sat in, to the uneven sounds from the temperature control a couple feet from the entrance. Even the colours of cacti they had sat next to, was the main reason he'd chosen green for his shirt today. His memory was perfect.

"You were in a bad mood?" K'os was genuinely confused by the statement and while he held the door open for him he raised his rounded eyebrows at him.

Ellsworth laughed and stepped through the door, turning around so he could place his hands on K'os' chest while he walked backwards. When he looked up at him, it was affectionately. He stood on his toes to give him a quick kiss and then fell in beside him, taking a turn for the very colorful room K'os had spotted on their first trip.

"Yes, I was in a horrible mood," he said, still a little amazed at how K'os could miss the forest for all the trees. "It was the day after the...thing...with Keval. I wasn't feeling very good about myself or...anything.... I was in a pretty selfish mood, I think. Otherwise I would have actually noticed-noticed you the first time I saw you; instead, I was just unhappy about having to do work on that bar when all I wanted to do was bury my head under a pillow."

The two had stepped in the room. His heightened senses took in the various scents and colours around them. He nodded to Ellsworth as he spoke, and offered him a warm smile before suddenly breaking free.

Oh look, a Kal'ta. He projected to Ellsworth before bending down to look at the violet leaves, edged with iridescent blue. It wasn't flowering, but K'os marveled at how the Vulcan plant acted as a companion to the marigolds growing in abundance under it's leaves. He remained crouched and looked back at the Betazoid and said, "When I'm feeling selfish, it usually means my brain is trying to avoid feeling the things that are really bothering me. It's a difficult emotion to peel away." He smiled, then stood.

For a moment, Ellsworth worried this was going to be a bad idea. He'd wanted to meet K'os to talk about everything, to define the boundaries of their relationship and make certain they better understood how their relationship would progress once the ship had left Earth. He knew they were in love with one another, but everything else felt very nebulous and poorly understood to someone who thrived on details. He worried K'os was going to be distracted by every pretty flower; however, he felt the anxiety flow out of his body when the half-Vulcan turned to answer him.

"That was exactly what happened," Ellsworth said, giving him a little smile as he walked over to inspect the Kal'ta plant. It was beautiful, but he had a hard time focusing on things like that when so much else was weighing heavily on his mind. "K'os, after Tycho City..."

He pursed his lips and furrowed his brow trying to think of what he wanted to say.

"It's hard to know what to say because we already know how we feel. And I don't know what you know about what I think and what you don't know about what I think."

K'os missed a lot of things. He wasn't always the quickest to know what another person was feeling, but for some surprising reason he could detect the change in Ellsworth's mood. In his mind he imagined the change ebbing off him in dull contrast to the bright flowers around them. He took a breath and before he was finished letting it out, the skin around his temples had tightened and his ears pulled back ever so slightly as he employed the Vulcan techniques to disconnect and focus his concentration like a phaser beam. His senses and emotions still whirled around in his head, but he had no physiological reaction to them. He put his arm around the man again and begun walking slowly down the path with him.

The sound of K'os' voice took on a smooth compassionate tone, "You're uncertain how our relationship is to progress when we return to the Galileo." It wasn't really a question, he was just picking through what it was that made Ellsworth feel the way he did. In that moment, the only thing K'os concentrated on was making the man feel better. "I'm sorry Alax, my brain processes these things differently and I sometimes forget that."

"It's okay," Ellsworth said, sounding truly patient. If there was anyone who had a mind that 'processed things differently' it was definitely K'os, but he had the deep, abiding patience that came with love to wait for him to collect his thoughts.

He wrinkled his brow in concentration making the slight vulcanoid ridge protrude over his eyebrows a little then gave Ellsworth a reassuring squeeze before continuing. "I have a deep affection for you, and it would preoccupy my mind like yours if I didn't let it go during meditation. For me, attachment brings about a suffering in my mind that threatens to make me unfunctional."

Ellsworth abruptly stopped walking and turned to face K'os; he stood close enough to feel the heat from the other's body, but he didn't make any move to put his arms around him. His brow was furrowed as he tried to puzzle out the meaning of 'deep affection' and 'let it go during mediation.'

"Deep affection? That'd better be some Vulcan version of 'I love you,'" he said, poking K'os in the chest. He averted his eyes and hoped his playful tone covered up his deep insecurity. "And what do you mean...let it go? You have to let go of how you feel about me every day? Like, start over with a clean slate?"

K'os was now sensitive to Ellsworth's mood, having focused his attention on him. Though he was disconnecting himself from his emotions, he couldn't help but identify the bubbling of frustration at not being able to adequately explain himself to people. He tried his awkward best to reassure him anyway, "Of course I love you, but love is such a simple thing and can't begin to describe how I feel about you. Love is just a wash of chemicals in my brain. Testosterone, dopamine, seratonin," he listed them off on his fingers perhaps a little more passionately than he felt; he was slipping. "Not to mention that intoxicating combination of oxytocin and vasopressen. If I allowed it to, those chemicals would just continue to build until it became just like any other addiction or dependence." He let his hands drop simply to his sides. "Yes, I have to let those feelings for you go every morning. I fear it would drive me insane if I didn't. But I don't wipe the slate clean, as you say. I just choose when to feel them," he looked away as embarrassment replaced his frustration, "and when not to." He placed a hand on his satchel, more to reassure himself the weighty object was still there.

Ellsworth leaned forward and his forehead hit K'os' chest with a soft thump. It was a struggle to understand the complex tangle of K'os' emotions, especially since he could sometimes be so very much the polar opposite. He felt like in comparison he was always on, always feeling. He couldn't imagine waking up every morning and detaching himself from how he felt about K'os, even if so much of it was driven by biochemical reactions. That would drive him insane.

He inhaled deeply with his nose smashed into the shirt; the smell of him seemed to function like a security blanket. Ellsworth finally mumbled into the fabric of the shirt, "I understand." He looked up at him and smiled. "I was just... I worry that maybe you'll become too detached. That maybe someone can take my place if you detach yourself too much. Or that you didn't feel the same way about me - I mean, even though I know you do - I just..." He bumped his head back against his chest. "I need a lot of hand-holding because I don't know what I'm doing and I love you and I can't detach myself and I'm afraid."

K'os gripped the smaller man's shoulders and lifted him off his chest. "I don't want you to feel afraid." His forehead remained furrowed as he studied his face. These sorts of feelings upset him and was precisely why he chose not to feel them. Knowing no other way to comfort him verbally, he took a deep breath and released his grip on his mind a little to reassure Ellsworth that it was impossible to detach himself too much. His hearbeat quickened and he smiled warmly at him.

Ellsworth could feel the change immediately, and it made him grin instinctively. He felt more than a little silly for getting so worked up in the first place. It wasn't that he doubted K'os' feelings or even had that much fear about the future. Everything was just so new to him, and the unexplored and unexperienced made him anxious. He tried to play off his embarrassment with a spirited swat at K'os' chest. "Okay, okay, I get." He leaned up and gave him a quick kiss; he stayed on his toes for a moment to be at eye level with him, giving him a meaningful look. He wanted to say 'I love you,' but he didn't want it to be become a repetitive exercise every time he felt it because he felt it a lot. Instead he just held his gaze a long moment then smiled and slowly settled back down on his feet.

K'os lifted the flap off his satchel. "I have something for you." He stuck his hand in and pulled out a clear glass jar. "We might not be able to see each other as often as we like once we leave Earth, I thought maybe you'd want something sentimental for your quarters." He handed Ellsworth the jar, which was full of sand. He didn't have to tell Ellsworth where it came from, but he said it anyway. "Nusa Lembongan."

Ellsworth took the jar with shaky hands and held it up to his nose. He broke the seal for just a brief moment, enough to inhale deeply, and smiled at the memories flooding his mind. He was crying, but he wasn't sure why. Maybe he was crying over all the times he knew he'd miss K'os or the sweetness and sentimentality of the gift or the sense of relief he felt from actually finding K'os.

He cradled the jar in one hand and threw his arm around K'os' neck with the other, hugging him tight. When he pulled back, he wiped at his tears and felt as foolish as he always did when he cried so easily. "But I didn't get anything for you..."

K'os hugged him back with one arm and waved his hand around indicating all the flowers. "Yes you did."

Ellsworth blew out a puff of air. "I know you have a good memory, but..." He lowered his voice, looking up at K'os very affectionately. "They don't even begin to compare. You are a sweet, sweet man." Cradling the jar in the crook of his arm like a child, he tugged at K'os' arm. "C'mon, there are, like, a billion flowers to see."

K'os stepped along beside him, putting his arm over his shoulder naturally. He sensed there was still more but didn't press it yet.

Ellsworth walked on in silence for a few moments; the longer they walked, the heavier it became. It was obvious something was weighing on his mind, but he was having a hard time figuring out how he wanted to approach it. "When we were...together...in Tycho City, did you sense anything about a Cardassian? A...friend of mine?"

K'os sifted through his memories, looking for the ones that were Ellsworth's that had been shared through their meld. Because K'os had limited training in mind melds, he could only recall certain memories. Enough to understand what Ellsworth was getting at. "You feel guilty that you still have sexual urges for other people? I remember you shared thoughts of a Cardassian man with me during our last bonding. You know I don't judge you for that."

Ellsworth blushed, feeling like the conversation was going to turn awkward no matter what happened. "Well, about that... I mean, not that incident. That whole thing was just a mess. But, in general... Those, uh, urges aren't going to go away. It's biochemical. I can't control that, and I have a hard time controlling myself. It's difficult to fight. But, you're so important to me... I talked with Dr. Mott, and he said he can make a suppressant that will help take care of those urges. For the sake of monogamy, you know. I wouldn't really mind...you know, doing that. For us."

He was pretty sure he knew how K'os felt about it, but it was important to him to know things with a certainty; however, there was a small part of him that was afraid K'os might get angry again about Ellsworth conforming to alien cultural standards.

Which was a justified fear. K'os was angry. Deep within his mind, it roared around at the suggestion presented to him. He however suppressed it, refusing to let it affect his behaviour this time. It was difficult as the memories of being injected with neuro-stablization drugs because he didn't act Vulcan enough or that he was too excitable and showed a lack of disconnection with appropriate behaviour to be Human enough. They were sour, unpleasant memories. He managed to tuck the thoughts away before he stopped walking.

"And what is it you want?" His vulcanoid brow cast a slight shadow over his eyes as he avoided eye contact. He didn't want to lose the iron grip he had on his emotions.

"I want us to be happy. I want you to be happy with me," he said as his shoulders sank a little. He knew K'os was trying his best, but he still regretted saying or doing anything that upset him. He reached out and placed his hand on K'os' upper arm affectionately and leaned down to bump and nuzzle his nose against his chin to try to get him to make eye contact. "I know you don't like the concept of conforming, but if you wanted to have a completely sexually monogamous relationship then I would be happy to do that. Not because I want to conform - it wouldn't be conforming for me. It would be commitment."

The tension in the air made him feel like his words were awkward and clumsy. A couple moved past them, and Ellsworth instinctively moved closer to K'os and dropped his voice to insure the privacy of the conversation. "Look, K'os... No one else will ever have my heart like you, and no one will ever be able to offer me intimacy like you." He reached down and slipped his hand into K'os', tightening the grip slightly until the familiar tingling sensation began to set in. "We have something special; I just want to make sure I don't ruin it."

"You're not going to ruin it." He stubbornly shook his head, the gesture made him seem younger than he was. He chanced a glance in to those black irises, fearing if he stared longer he would let go of his emotional control. Ellsworth hadn't answered his question. To him, it felt as though the Betazoid was willing to sacrifice something of himself to supposedly make K'os happy. The Vulcan hybrid just wanted him to stop sacrificing so much. Ellsworth deserved his own happiness and it should never be up to K'os or Dr. Mott or anyone to dictate what Ellsworth should do with his body; sexually or medically. He lowered his voice a little to match Ellsworth's. "What have I done to make you feel like you have to change yourself to be with me?"

Ellsworth felt like crying, which just made him frustrated because he always felt like he was making himself feel like crying. "You haven't done anything, K'os." He let go of his hand before the touch-telepathy took hold; even though it would probably answer a lot more questions, he knew he wanted to express himself verbally. "Sometimes it's hard to think like you, okay? If I saw you with another man..." He turned his head away and frowned because he knew K'os was waiting on him to answer the question. "It's difficult for me to control my biology when we can't be together all the time, so it's either finding other outlets for it or suppressing it. I don't like the idea of suppressing my own racial physiology, but I just want this to be a decision we make together so I'm not just...being my usual selfish self."

"Then the matter is settled. Neither of us want you to take a suppressant." He motioned as if he were going to start walking again, but stayed standing. He lowered his head as if considering something. "Finish your thought. If you saw me with another man...?"

"I'd be jealous," Ellsworth said without hesitation. "I want to be the one spending time with you, not some other man. I mean, it's not like I'd go jump him in a dark alley or hold it against you. I'd know in my heart it was just...functional... I trust you. It shouldn't change what you do or how you feel, I don't want to do that to you." He realized in a small epiphany that he was highlighting the other man's point, but he was more concerned about how K'os might perceive the matter at hand; he knew well his thoughts on jealousy and attachment, so Ellsworth looked away when his cheeks started to grow hot. "But I'd still be jealous. I just would."

K'os smiled warmly and wrapped an arm around the man. He pulled him into his chest. He lowered his head and kissed him on the forehead. The jar of sand dug into his ribs. In some round about way he felt as though Ellsworth might be understanding where he was coming from. K'os had the advantage (or disadvantage depending on how you saw it) of processing his emotions very quickly and all at once. He had to be patient with those that processed their emotions with a comparatively slower pace. Jumping on the opportunity that Ellsworth might be coming to a realization he said quickly and positively. "Do you see? We are more alike than you think. It's a myth that Vulcans don't feel emotion, you know. I would be jealous too, but as you say, I would know it was just 'functional'. It makes me feel guilty that I can let such emotions go, when you still suffer with it."

Ellsworth held on tightly to both the jar and K'os, burying his head into the other man's chest. It was a warm, comfortable and safe place; it didn't hurt that K'os always smelled good, too. Some part of him hated how quickly K'os could sort through his emotions, like some sort of walking automatic emotional filing system with cabinets and drawers and folders for everything. By comparison, Ellsworth felt like his filing system was always in a state of disarray, as if all the "emotional paperwork" had just exploded and lay scattered around the floor while he frantically tried to make sense of it.

"Never feel guilty for who you are, not with me." He breathed in and out against the shirt for several moments, pushing the sensation of heat through the fabric. The young Betazoid opened his mouth and nipped very gently at K'os' chest through the shirt, trying to be playful to break the seriousness of the moment. "And never tell me anyone else is better than me in bed."

"I don't think such an individual exists." He grinned and gave him a good squeeze. "Do you feel better? Is there anything else on your mind?"

"Yes, I do feel better," Ellsworth admitted, letting out a sigh of relief. He leaned back out of K'os' embrace and then tugged at his shirt to encourage resuming their walk. "There's no end to the things on my mind, but nothing pressing. Or even important, except making today a good day." He eyed K'os for a long moment then stood up to kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear. "You're perfect for me."

K'os accepted the kiss with a grin. He was thankful in that moment that he had the ability to disconnect his emotions. Because down below the surface, he had shoved his anger into his unconscious. He filed it away in a mindscape drawer he refused to open again. Anger at Ellsworth's medical solution needed to be analyzed later rather than be purged, but right now there were flowers to smell.

[OFF]

PO3 K'os Beaumont
Matter/Energy Specialist
USS Galileo

&

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo

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