Realizations and Hesitations

Posted on 14 Mar 2014 @ 12:45am by Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle & Lieutenant Asahi Kita

1,584 words; about a 8 minute read

Mission: Episode 05 - Solstice
Location: Mental Health Services, Starfleet Medical HQ, Earth
Timeline: MD 11 - 1100 Hrs

ON

It was a bit disconcerting to look out of an office and see people, Delainey mused, as she waited for Asahi to arrive. The stars were beautiful, of course, but one eventually learned to let them fade into the background for the sake of accomplishing tasks. Much like the thrum of a warp core, it was really only noticeable in its absence.

Late. He felt late. Asahi always felt later than late. Maybe it was the fact that, without a warp core cycle to count deep in his sleep, he had no way of internally telling what time it was. His grandmother's home seemed to run on some form of alternative energy source he had never heard of, which threw Asahi off more than it should have, as the whole home sounded vastly different from any console or building he had been around previously.

Hopefully, however, this wouldn't affect his mental evaluation. It was one of the few things he had to get checked out before he was absolutely officially transferred to the Galileo, and he would have very much liked to not have to be declared unfit for work.

In his haste, the tiny engineer forgot to alert Carlisle, as he proceeded to barge right through the door once it slid open for him. Only when he stepped through the entranceway, did his cheeks flush crimson and he was immediately embarrassed by his actions. "Sorry! I didn't mean to-I should have warned you-am I late? I'm still getting used to Earth's gravitational pull or something, I didn't hear my alarm go off! ... Sorry!"

Delainey looked up and was startled the moment she heard her doors open. She had been expecting Asahi, and as they always did per her specifications, the doors opened as soon as the computer recognized his identtity outside her door. Most people, however, rang the chime simultaneously to at least indicate they had arrived.

Taking a beat or two to recover her emotional equilibrium, she offered, "No worries. You're here now and as surprised as I was by your entrance, I do appreciate your enthusiam," she added with a smile. "Please, feel free to take a seat wherever you like."

The engineer breathed a sigh of relief, before plopping down in one of the offered chairs, bouncing a bit to test it's cushiness. "Thank you. Sorry again though. Hopefully next time I'll remember to press the button before dashing in." He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "So uhm... ma'am... sir?... ah... doctor..." He could feel his cheeks flush from embarrassment. "... I'm sorry, what should I address you as?"

"Feel free to call me Doctor, Counselor, or Delainey if you like," the blonde replied, smiling sympathetically at him. "You seem particularly nervous. Is that just because you were late?"

"Nervous?" Asahi stared at Delainey for a few, excruciatingly long moments, as if trying to register what she had asked. Then a small grin appeared at his lips. "I'm always a little nervous when I first meet someone. I've always been told that first impressions mean everything, so I always try just a little harder." He shook his head. "Probably doesn't help that I was late though."

"We're on leave right now, so it makes sense we'd all be a bit off our games. Besides," Carlisle added with a grin, "all you've shown me so far is you're a being with flaws just like the rest of us. Just don't show up late to engineering during the next Red Alert, and we'll be fine."

"If I was late for a Red Alert without a good reason, I deserve a good slap." He chuckled half-heartedly. "But that's if I'm not down there already. I just happen to like being down there... The warp core's on the Galileo has a settling hum to 'er. It's soothing."

"Does that mean it's hard to get you out of engineering when your shift is over?" It was her subtle attempt to see if he had other interests besides work.

"Out of the main engineering area itself? No." Asahi shook his head. "I'll pick up extra shifts now and then to help out, but I don't like getting in everyone else's way. If I hear a weird noise or see something malfunctioning though, I won't hesitate to fix it. I always carry at least two spanners on me. Can never be too prepared."

"It sounds like you care about people. How has it been making friends for you?"

"Friends?" He cringed at this, rubbing the back of his neck. "I... have to admit, outside of the Capta-ah, the Commodore, I haven't really talked to many others just yet. Not outside of work, and none that take too lightly to me I don't think." He shrugged. "So uh, difficult I guess."

"I'm not sure what you mean by none taking too lightly to you. Did something specific happen?"

"Hm? No. When I was assigned to lead an away team, I don't think I took to leading the small group I had very well, so they didn't take to me all that well." Asahi shrugged. "I'm a new face, and it was a pretty trying time. I don't expect anyone to welcome me with open arms."

"What specifically did you struggle with regarding your leadership?" Delainey was trying to determine whether his struggles were a consequence of being new or something else.

"Well, I haven't before this point." He smiled weakly. "Most of my duties came in the form of being led by someone, or they were relatively normal. I'm not sure whether it helped or hurt that I was new and didn't know anyone, but hesitance certainly didn't help at all."

Delainey nodded. "The first time is always scary. How do you think you fared overall? Anything in particular you learned to do or not to do again in the future?"

"I... well, we got everyone out okay. Even managed to get some important information... but..." He paused, shrugging. "Maybe it's just my inexperience, but I think I actually learned that I need to learn how to lead really."

It was still a vague answer, though she appreciated his candor. "What specifically do you think you need to learn? Perhaps you and I can discuss a plan for helping you learn what you feel you're lacking."

"... Ah..." That definitely would have made things easier, if he had some way of working on whatever it was he was missing. But if he knew what he was lacking, he would have at least been able to point it out by now. "... Not... really? I don't mean to be difficult, but I'm sort of... unsure."

"You're not being difficult," Delainey reassured. "It can be hard to define what you're struggling with, especially if you haven't had a lot of experience with whatever it might be. Perhaps it'd be easier to start with identifying what you expected from yourself as a leader. I've found a lot of frustration comes from unmet expectations. Even if in the moment it doesn't seem like you had any specific expectations, I'm betting there was something specific you expected from yourself that didn't come to fruition. Maybe there was a role model you hoped to emulate?"

Rubbing the back of his neck, Asahi shook his head. "Not really. I mean, I've never really thought me leading anyone would be a thing. I guess I should have re-thought that though, considering the rank... well... wait, I guess there is someone. I don't think I'd use the word 'emulate.' If at anything, I'm just trying to... prove something I guess?" HIs cheeks flushed pink in embarrassment. "I don't really want to end up under my grandfather's shadow, but he's definitely someone I've looked up to."

Delainey took note of Asahi's seeming embarrassment and got the sense they were coming to the root of the issue. "What is it you're trying to prove? That you're as capable as he?"

"I... not really." He gave a half-hearted grin. "My Grandfather is... was... an extremely well-decorated Federation officer. "I just wanted him to be proud of me." An odd thing to admit to, but Asahi had never truly been all that normal.

Delainey nodded. She had a better sense of where Asahi was coming from. "And how do you think he would feel about how you did?"

"I dunno." Asahi grew quiet, smile falling as he looked down. "All he's ever really been was insanely cross at me. Wasn't exactly a good kid in school." There was a pause. "... He passed away before I could really prove that I really did want to enroll in the Academy."

"I wonder if that has something to do with how you're feeling now."

"... Hm?" The engineer looked up curiously. "... I'm not sure I catch your meaning."

"I wonder if not being able to prove yourself to him before he died has you convinced you haven't actually proven yourself at all?"

Asahi hesitated, unsure of what to make of the statement. Once he mulled the thought over, he finally answered, but slowly. "... I... hadn't thought about it like that... at all."

"Food for thought," was all Delainey offered, wanting him to know he was free to accept or reject the idea on his own. She got the impression by his reaction she hit close to home.

OFF

Lt. Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Counselor/Medical Officer
USS Galileo

Lt. Asahi Kita
Asst. Chief Engineering Officer
USS Galileo

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