Day 3, and it's worse

Posted on 15 Apr 2017 @ 2:11am by Commander Marisa Wyatt

549 words; about a 3 minute read

Marisa walked into her small room, grateful that Petra was out for the night. She changed into her pajamas, put away her skirt and vest, replicated a meditation candle and a match, and then walked over to the table. She carefully positioned the candle and set the match down beside it.

Before she tried to meditate, there was something she needed to do. She pulled out a small notebook and began to write.

Dear Diary, She would have to go back to real logs when she returned to the Federation.

Today I relearned the simple fact that we never get too old to fall in love, or make a fool of ourselves.

The experience makes me feel more--human. But it also reminds me that while a person may fall in love dozens of times, it may only be reciprocated once or twice, if one is lucky. And making a fool of oneself in front of that person seems to be a natural occurrence for me.

I cannot tell him how I feel because I am so terribly awkward whenever I try to show anything beyond friendship or professionalism. And I will not jeopardize our working relationship. Tonight was just a reminder.

I will need to meet with him regularly to talk over the mental health of the crew. He will need to trust me and my professional opinion. How can he do that if he is uncomfortable around me because of my feelings? I have studied body language and facial expressions. I'm fairly certain he has no interest in me as anything but a counselor.

Life is like that. We are never guaranteed that our affection will be returned. But the ability to experience these feelings is what makes us more alive. It is why I prefer to experience emotions rather than suppress them. In time these feelings will fade through lack of attention and I will be better for the experience.

I think Petra knows. Or guesses. But Vulcans are hard to read as we can suppress our emotions even when we feel them. I won't give her the opportunity to find out. And so, I will burn this personal log so it will never be seen. But writing it down, getting it out of my head and onto paper, helps. I can move forward. There is much to do. It keeps my mind off--other things.

On a more positive note, I have made friends here. One who wants to watch an old Earth musical when we get back to the Federation. I've asked him to bring his girlfriend. I don't know who she is, but the look in his eye tells me she exists. I think I'll make a party of it. Invite a group of people and make popcorn. I look forward to that.

So, I have much to be grateful for, even now, and tomorrow is another day.

She read over the paper, folded it up, and held it over the candle flame until it caught fire. She held it as long as she could, then dropped it onto the candle. With a soft smile she focused on the flame until it filled her mind to the exclusion of everything else.


[OFF]

Lieutenant JG Marisa Sandoval
Counselor
IKS Duja'Q

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